deVulnerable

I think, she said, that the biggest gift that SCC gives anyone is the opportunity to be vulnerable.

The secret dream and the secret dread of everyone who goes to SCC is to be read out, to be seen, understood and revealed in a powerful way. “Discover Me” as Kate Bornstein would say.

That’s why there is so much story dumping at the conference, people who have had no one around who could understand their stories through the past year. I understand this call, and thankfully this blog allows me to dump stories everyday, so I didn’t have that pressure.

We want to be visible, and vulnerable, but we know that is a dangerous place. I was able to help a few heavy hitters with their own need for being seen, a need that couldn’t be met by newly out trannies who don’t yet have the scars which reveal the web of stories that offer context for even the queerest and deepest understandings.

It was that space for vulnerability that was a huge gift to me, and it was that space of which I encouraged my people to take advantage.   To be understood with compassion & encouragement, rather than being grilled with fear & trepidation is a great gift.

It’s being back here, though, that the contrast is so telling. Here I’m not just another transperson, another woman with a unique & compelling history. Here, I am the queer who has to take care of others, the one who scares others, the one who needs defenses.

The feeling that vulnerability is safe and potent is one I need to hold onto. It is where my magic lies, and when I hide behind my own fear of normies, I lose my connection to myself and my power.

My grace is in my messy humanity, my strength is in my vulnerability & openness.

And that, when I am back in the nest of fears, is hard to remember.

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