I have spread out in the past 10 days or so, looking hard for some kind of connection & failing to find it, but now I have to pack myself up again.
I’d like to figure out how to do it in a way that allows me breathing space, but that’s really hard to figure out on my own.
On my own. That’s always been the theme here, as evidenced by the tagline this blog has had since the beginning, almost two years ago now: The Loneliness of a Long Lost Tranny (TLoaLLT).
I know that I chose this lonely route, the journey inward to self, but for the last decade or so, I have been trying to find a way to do the third and last part of the hero’s journey, return with the gifts I have found. Campbell makes clear that this is the hardest part, because if society wanted the gift, they would already have it. They have lost it in order to maintain the status quo, to avoid the rebirth, the transformation that would be required to accept it.
It’s this loneliness that means I don’t get traction in the world. I can’t simply buy into the worlds of others, and I know well that very few can even try to enter my world. I know this because I have poured my heart out here, trying the best I can to reveal my experience of my life, and well, people mostly see reflections of their world.
No surprise there:
We don’t see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
TBB would like to remind me how unique I am, how exceptional. Lorraine Hansberry has another reminder:
The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all,
is inevitably that which must also make you lonely.
My throat hurts, my energy is down, and I feel very sad.
That’s about me, not you.