Ignore The Pain; Pay Me Later

notes

to rachel:

the remembering people remember why forgetting is important, but
the forgetting people don’t remember why remembering is important.

when they hear a story from queers
straights always assume that
they understand what it means.

“i shivered with only a blanket
in sub freezing temperatures
for over a week”

becomes

“yeah, i understand
i went to miami for a week in january
and it never got over 62!!
i was freezing!”

================================================

to hoddy

the spiritual benefits of discomfort.
clothes, seats, rods, kneeling
puritans to buddhists
awareness to the world
openness to others
and in the end
discomfort is what allows us to grow
and
discomfort is what allows a congregation to grow

(one reason bigger congregations have an easier time
like bigger people
more space to spread the discomfort over.)

================================================

BS == Belief Structures

as in
“for many transsexuals it isn’t enough to embrace their choices, you have to embrace their bs too.”
or
“this is a mechanical culture that says feelings don’t matter, so people feel unable to understand and express their feelings.  instead, they end up imposing their own bs, the rationalizations wrapped around their feelings.”

its usually the bs
we use to wrap our feelings
without examination or awareness
that gets in the way.

======================================

1) From others: “Callan, I have no idea how you renounce your life this way.  I couldn’t do it.  It must have taken years of training.

2)  From God: “Yup, you have it right.  You are hosed.  But (she said, laughing) the real kicker is simple: When you let it out you wil be enourmously good at it and it will reward you in good ways.”

================================================

Tangled In The Invisible Fence: Beyond Separations.

just because things are invisible, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

ask any dog who has had to learn to live with an invisible fence.  combine that antenna in the ground with a shocking collar, and you learn how to give the edges a wide berth.

the dog has to deal with an invisble fence that is fixed in place, secure and constant, and he learns to back off.

but when that fence is invisible because it is always shifting, popping up whenever someone’s fears are triggered, well, that’s another thing altogether.

bailey talks to an expert who says that trans kids need three things: removal of anything the parents or teachers judge as socially inappropriate (take away the desired), clear feedback that their desires will never, ever come true (take away the dreams), and an understanding that if they make the wrong choices, people can marginalize, shame and humilate them with legitimacy (take away the dignity.)  once those three things are gone, the kid has a chance of appearing to be normative.

but just because things are invisible doesn’t mean that they don’t exist.

==============================================================

the breakthough in trans
comes when you stop thinking about
man plus or woman plus
woman minus or man minus
but you just think about
who is this unique person in front of me?

========================

when the rope swing
between childhood and adulthood
is severed too soon
when we are adultified early
losing the affirmations and struggles of adolescence
to some constructed performance
we almost always go though life
as two entities
an adult with slick experience
and
a child with a broken heart.

when is the rope severed?
when a child has a secret
that they know they cannot say
to anyone.

====================================
rachel knows what to do.

it’s to listen and honour
what the person in pain says

and then,
after they feel heard,
to say

so what can you do?

but she doesn’t have time or energy to do that
and who can blame her?

one of the hardest things to do
is to honestly open yourself to someone else
so people stop

even parents
who think it’s all about them
and not about
respect.

=====================================

when you are taught to
suspect your
desires, dreams and dignity
as being un-natural, tainted, perverted, corrupt, demonic, etc.
and then
when you are the one
who offers affirmation and support
for expressing those
desires, dreams and dignity
somehow, that affirmation must be suspected
as being un-natural, tainted, perverted, corrupt, demonic, etc.

this is the reason so many just say
their desires, dreams and dignity
come from god
but we know that it’s the ones who do that
most fervently
whose desires, dreams and dignity
comes from a satan
of separation and not connection.

======================================

making my pain visible
in the world
seems both appealing & pointless
just another pain
and everyone has pain
but it’s my pain
and everyday it stops me
as i swallow it.

I got a spam mail in my in-box a few days ago.

The subject was “Ignore the pain, pay me later.”

I think that we all understand this.  Pain is gift, one that tells us when something is wrong, when it needs attention.

But many of us learn just to swallow the pain rather than try to fix what needs fixing.  We swallow, because people tell us that the only solution to the pain is learning to swallow it and be normative.

Callan learned early how to swallow pain.  She tried to express it, but people didn’t want to hear it, couldn’t engage it.

my pain is blinding to me
but to others
it’s just
too much
too long.

and any performance
which would transcend pain
cannot come out of swallowing pain
only out of pouring it out
as balm.

dis-couraged

depression is defined by discouragement,
says an expert in the NYT.

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/08/25/health/25therapy.html

early 1970s,
i was first prescribed anti depressants. 

but the young therapist was unsure —
kind of like depression, but not really.

depression of the heart
and not the body.

yeah.

take away the desired
take away the dreams
take away the dignity

create
discouragement
remove
courage

broken

i speak but am incomprehensible.

my voice is only useful
if it supports another.

a scaffold
of mental energy
with necrotic flesh
devoid of life

thoughts keep
skeleton moving
heart and soul
just barely hang on.

dis-couraged
courage removed
job done

not a human being.
a human doing.

and i haven’t done anything
right.

goodbye.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

But, but, but. . . .

It’s not when the discouragement takes over
when I feel lost.

It is the base state. 

I merely fend off engaging it
by doing routines that keep me in stasis.

Nothing is lost
but the courage to make
a flesh future

It’s just too much, too late.

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

Anti-depressants, as the NYT article makes clear, are not enough. 

 And to get them, you have to engage the medical system,
a system that understands sickness and not systems.

You know what is enough: changing the story. 

A changed story gives the courage to take risks,
lets you take bumps and be persistent,
lets you be enthusiastic enough to be ignorant.

“People who remember
remember why
forgetting is important,
but,
People who forget
forget why
remembering is important.”

I don’t feel depressed,
because by the rigid tests of clinical depression,
I’m not.
food, sleep, action, chores, etc.

But a decade falling off the grid,
well that’s enough for many to diagnose.

Where is my story?

“Too hip for the room.”
bang me until
I do what you want
or
I fall over
whichever comes first.
and then
i die,
again.

= * = * = * = * = * = * = = * = * = * = * = *
= * = * = * = * = * = * = = * = * = * = * = *

dear callan,

you are my child
and i don’t make junk. 

you are gifts,
even if those gifts are rejected
by those who think they need
the comfort of society
more than they need
the challenge of god.

the minute you believe
that your failures of the flesh
are more important
than your fierce fabulousness —

you know,
the beauty that
so many have tried to convince you
is your biggest failure of the flesh
a sickness to be denied
with that powerful mind
rather than a brilliant light
your mind was meant to serve

the beauty they thought justified them in
taking away your desired
taking away your dreams
taking away your dignity
the beauty that would rock their world
if they only let it in
as it makes manifest
that there is only one human nature
a continuous common humanity
that defies walls of rationalization

— as long as you believe
your failure to do what normal people do
means that you can’t be all you can be
you will not have
the courage of your convictions
the power of your truth
the beauty of your soul.

if you can find
a doctor
a counselor
a pastor
who believes in your beauty
not in your sickness
who believes in your possibility
not in your mistakes
who believes in your mind & spirit
not in their dogma
who believes in questions
not in answers
who believes that i live in my creations
not that anything challenging is sick, un-natural or demonic.

then maybe you can find someone
in whom you can finally convey to you
the reflection of how
i see you
my darling daughter.

someone who enters your world
rather than demanding you enter theirs
because in your world are gifts
your beauty should have drawn them in
put them at ease
but your beauty was too far buried.

they like girls with a good smile
not girls with a good simile.

you don’t need fixing
you need flying

even if you believe
you are too old, too worn-out and too decrepit
to ever leave the ground,

even if your odometer rolls
it means nothing to me

other than you are even more ready
to fly.

go girl
go and be
the beauty i made
in you.

= * = * = * = * = * = * = = * = * = * = * = *
= * = * = * = * = * = * = = * = * = * = * = *

sweetie

sweetie

there is only one person who can save you
and she is inside of you.

she knows you and loves you
and she has always had the power
of your heart.

i’m only asking you to have faith in one thing:
that essence is always present
present enough to be tangible
to those who are in its presence.

you can’t help but leave you
in everything you do
and you are clear and capable
beyond the fears and twists
that still make so many
marginalized people
unpalatable.

i’m asking you believe only
that if you follow your heart
that if you open your heart
you will be in the world
and not hiding out of it
and that will be
good.

you are a gift from god
you are a gift from me
and as much as people want to return gifts
they will know your presence is a present
when you unwrap it
and show yourself wrapped
in beauty.

you have something new to offer
a new synthesis
smarts and hearts
world of connection, world of individuation
power and pretty.

there is only one person who can save you
and i love her

let her love you.

Story Gave Out

If, after I am gone, they ask you why I left – and I don’t think they will – you can tell them this: Her story gave out.

I never knew how to fall asleep until I learned that if I told myself a story, I could slide into the arms of Morpheus on that tale. Those were my private little stories, only for me, where anything could happen, and it did.

When I was awake, though, the stories topped being mine.

There, the stories weren’t about possibility but about impossibility – the impossibility of connection, of success, of being my heart, of finding my bliss.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I shared my private little stories with the world to see how they would come back to me. They came back twisted and broken, smashed by others as dirty little lies.

I learned that my stories were seen as lies, and that telling lies made other people happy, kept my own stories safe. But as I did this, I had to start living in the lies rather than in the stories, and this made me crazy. Even as I was supposed to search for who I was, I had no idea who I am.

The lies don’t work anymore, and my stories, well, they have withered and died on the vine. The story the world wanted me to tell has become empty and powerless, and my own story has become shattered and lost.

And now, as I scabber for a story that can keep me going, facing the everyday bangs of this world, I know that story is lost. I have no story to help me place hurts and toughness in context, no story to lift me to possibility when all seems bleak. There is no one I can go to who can tell me the story of the good heart that was a little princess in hiding and is now a crone in decay who can still melt the hearts of others.

We keep our stories alive like breath, breathing them out and then having them breathed back into us.

They are the tales we give away and need to come back to us, entering us again with the potent truth that they are shared. Be it on Sunday morning or in a long phone call with your girlfriend, it is the respiration of stories, in and out, out and in, that keep us alive in a cold world.

My story has become a quest for some kind of truth, but that means it has become nothing but a quest for doubt. I doubt, therefore I am, but I do not believe, therefore I am not.

The story is the great life-giving force in human culture, moving beyond our own death and into the stories of others. We perform our stories and our stories perform us. The truth of our stories is what informs and shapes our choices, and those choices inform and shape our stories. When we believe we are a victim, or not pretty, or powerless, or a liar, or not worthy in front of God, those things become true, and no amount of doubt will sweep them away. All that will sweep them away is a new belief, carried on a new story, one that inflates and lightens us, lifting us to new places.

When doubt is your only story, though, the heart gets leaky, having been pierced just too many times. Then it cannot hold a story, cannot be expanded and lifted by it, and it just gets smaller, more dense, falling hard.

My story gave out. And every story of possibility that others try to breathe into me, from Reiki teachers, to Yoga heads, to medical cures, to Jesus dancing, to just doing it, seeps out from the wounds where my own story has been pierced by doubt, time weakening the enthusiasm and energy that once allowed healing, leaving me shredded and flat.

For those who have never had to succumb to the million needles of doubt that are seeded towards those who challenge, or who have the latent inhibition to not let those needles get under their skin, this must seem a very strange tale indeed. But it is the story of my own journey, a journey of doubt and exploration, through story after story to find that the truth is never in the details of the story, but in the meaning and beliefs which underlie it.

In the end, though, my own story gave out.

And that is the way it ends.

 

Honoring Childhoods

Sketch for SCC speech ‘03

 

 

 

 

I stand before you today to honor childhood, to pay respect to the boyhood and the girlhood of some very special people.  It is though being a boy or being a girl that we learn how to be men and women, that we learn how to manage the challenges and power of being a full, adult human.

 

The special people whose girlhood and boyhood that I want to honor today is, without surprise, the adolescence of we transgendered people.

 

Our growing up is unique, because it is most often disjointed, severed and cut apart.  As a young person, we have one childhood, one where we are trained based on the shape of our genitals, and as a transforming person, we have another, one where we train ourselves based on the shape of our heart.  One of these is a pounding and the other a stumbling, but taken together they are a chance to grow and blossom into a special person honoring both our nature and our own efforts to grow.

 

This year there has been a book out by Bailey, “The Man Who Would Be Queen.”  While much criticism has been made of Bailey’s assumption that birth genital configuration determines true binary gender, and binary sexual orientation determines everything else, few have commented on how his assessment of the best advice for children who exhibit trans is to crush their dreams, open them to abuse & stigma, and take away what comforts them. [Expand]

 

What all this means is that the experience of our first childhood is the experience of being suppressed, oppressed and pounded into normativity.  Most learn to lie, to play a role that denies what we know to be true.

 

Our second childhood, though, done sometime later, and for many a great deal later, is done away from the support structures and safety nets that this society offers to children.  We may look like adults, but what we have to learn, about who we are under all our callous, about how to take power in new ways, about how to be both strong and gracious, appropriate and bold, mature and playful in new ways.  Each of these are challenging in their own way, challenging enough for children who struggle with them in childhood, but even more challenging for others who struggle with them alone, with adult obligations & expectations put on us, and behind defenses that seem vital.

 

Succeeding at this second childhood, often done in snips and snatches cut from a “normal life,” is a key challenge for all of us.  Chopped up fine it may take years, three steps forward and two steps back, but even done with immersion, it may leave us feeling more battered than bettered.

 

Today, here, I want to tell you what every teenager knows, and what every tranny doubts, namely that we can succeed at growing up, can succeed at building a good and healthy life, if we commit to what Fred Rogers called the real work of childhood.  We need to be for each other, encouraging growth rather than affirming staying put, respecting and honoring the girlhood and boyhood of the people close to us, and honoring the still growing girl or boy inside our heart.

 

Let us celebrate the children in all of us, hidden behind the adult we play everyday, and commit to their growth into fine adults who have lived the two childhoods of transgender, one imposed and one invented, one from outside us and one from inside, that let us come from our own truth rather than our own scared defenses, like a sullen teenager still hiding from a full and robust life.

 

The scary truth about childhood is that it is a place of extremes, wide pendulum swings that let us go from very wild to very tame, that let us find where our true and potent center is.  Childhood, within the comforting bounds of family, is a place to find our own strength and own nature by pushing our own boundaries past the comfortable and into the magical.

 

How do you honor your trans-childhood, your own girlhood or boyhood?  Do you work like any other child to find role models, those from whom you can snip choices and behaviors to try out in your own collage self?  Do you let go of your expectations & defense to find what is new? 

 

How do you be a brave boy, aspiring to manhood, taken with character and power?  How do you be a gracious girl, working for womanhood, taken with fluid strength and growing connection?  How do you heal the pounding of your first childhood and face the challenge of your second?

 

One of the first things that you must do, I suggest, is to honor in others that which you wish in yourself.  This is often one of the most difficult things to do, because we have often been taught to strike out at that in others which we fear in ourselves.  We know that it is that which we fight inside that we often externalize, fighting in others.  After all, if we can struggle, sacrifice and endure pain to subjugate our own nature, how can we tolerate them mocking our exertions by just giving into to what we consider base and debased?

 

My personal experience in my first childhood was learning to respect the masculine, and in my second childhood learning to embody the feminine.  Others here will have different experiences of their lives and I honor that, but I can only speak powerfully for myself.  I encourage others to speak from their experiences on these topics, to share and enlighten us, helping people like to find what we share in our experiences.

 

For me, my two childhoods were almost completely disconnected and still are.  I retreated from manhood

 

= = = = =

 

I never believed that it was worth making a world I could invite people into.   

I never believed it was worth it, never believed I could. 

And that’s the one thing I wish someone had told me, that I could have made my own world, pretty and potent, and invited people in. 

Instead, I got the damn columnists disease, always looking for the lead.  Instead of participating in my life, I watched it, as I learned to do so long ago.  Maybe it’s my nature, maybe it’s my defense, maybe it’s my calling, but it was my life. 

Could I make a home and invite people in?  Was that ever even a possibility, making a nest for family, friends and community? 

= = = =

 

 

To honor both trans-childhoods, both the imposed and the chosen, is to honor those who have been knocked down and then have lifted themselves up, beyond the cliques and expectations of society.  To honor both trans-childhoods is to honor those who have become, or are working hard on their way to becoming, trans-adults.

 

And I say this to you, you big group of closeted trannys out for a joy ride, in order to have you think about what it means to engage your trans to maturity, rather than just see it as an illness you can get over by transforming your body, or a hobby that you indulge on a Saturday night or wild weekend.

 

What does it mean to become a work of art, or your neighborhood tranny, as I have asked in earlier undelivered and unseen speeches?

 

What does it mean to see trans as one way God enters your life, rather than just as some kind of mistake or jerk-off tool?  How do we negotiate trans as possibility and connection, as beauty and power, rather than just as perversion and separation, as sickness and indulgence?

 

Ana do you really fucking care?  Do you care about growing up, or is it easier, much easier to stay immature and stunted, still fitting in the tiny space created by others expectations of us?

 

Absolutely True

So, Callan, what do you know to be absolutely true?

What are the fundamental truths you are sure about, even if you don’t always hold fast to them?

Our goal here is simple.  It’s to find out what you know to be true and affirm that.  It’s to help you find not what you should believe but rather than what you do believe and affirm that knowledge.

You have spent a life learning to doubt what you know to be true because it makes others uncomfortable, isn’t nice and appropriate.   You were taught to doubt what you knew to be true, but that means you doubted your own nature and your own gifts away.  That’s bad.

You need to have faith in something to reach out and extend yourself.  The first place to start seems to be in your relationship with your creator, what you know she put into your heart, what you know she sees in you.

I know that most therapists don’t start here.  They want to help you doubt as part of a search for error, where you hold errors.  I want to help you search for truth.  You have doubted and doubted and doubted well, very well.  But what I want to look at now is what you call the residue, and see what is left – the things you know to be true.

Reality is what refuses to go away

when I stop believing in it.

            Phillip K. Dick

What is left when you have doubted everything else away?  If reality is what doesn’t disappear when you stop believing in it, what won’t go away even when you doubt it will all your vigor over decades and decades?  If you can’t make it disappear, maybe, just maybe, it’s real.

I’d love for others to help you with this and affirm what they see to be true, but that isn’t easy.  Zoe affirmed what she saw to be true, even if she doubted Rachel’s narrative.  She saw that you are beautiful, and she told you that, twice.

Others don’t see that easily.  They are still in their old doubt patterns.  They don’t see themselves as positive and touched by God, so it’s hard, if not impossible, for them to see you that way.

But you know.  You know what you see in others, what you affirm and illuminate.  And you know what you see in yourself, even if your habit is to doubt that vision, that truth, that knowledge.

If you can’t solve it, it’s not a problem —

it’s a reality that needs to be faced.

            Barbara Coloroso


 

 

And if the word integration means anything,

this is what it means:

that we, with love,

shall force our brothers to see themselves as they are,

to cease fleeing from reality and begin to change it.

            James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time

 

So, what do you know to be absolutely true?

What haven’t you been able to doubt away, no matter how much and how deeply you swallow?

What is fundamentally and essential true about you, about your creator, and about what she put in your heart?

I know you know lots of people who hold wacky beliefs – they are “walk-ins” for alien hosts, and so on.  But those are just tools they use to hold onto truths that they need, that they have to hold onto to be who they need to be, in harmony with their creator and in an effective way with the other flesh beings around us.  They satisfy the corporeal and the spiritual as best they can.

The people who say you are not facing reality

actually mean that you are not facing their idea of reality.

Reality is above all else a variable.

With a firm enough commitment,

you can sometimes create a reality which did not exist before.

            Margaret Halsey, No Laughing Matter (1977)

You have used their wackiness to dismiss your own beliefs, to try to get rid of them, but they won’t go.  They won’t go because they are true, true, true, whatever makes anyone else comfortable.

Reality can destroy the dream;

why shouldn’t the dream destroy reality?

            George Moore

If you want help determining truth, I would suggest you depend on love.  You talk about Eros, but that’s nothing but a kind of love.   Do you remember what you said in that “Hi Honey” piece?  You said that the key was trusting love, all love, what you love, be that something as deep as the love of writing or as simple as the love of beauty.  Trust not only the text and the sacrifice, but also the shoes.  You knew something to be true there.  In fact you are wearing the boots now, as your fingers fly over the keyboard.

God is in your heart.  She lives in you.  That’s a bit of truth that I know.

What truth does she tell you?  Say it.  Say it out loud.  Mark it down.  Believe it and never stop believing it.  Take what you have never been able to doubt away and hold fast to it, hold fast in every moment.

It’s not your defenses that reveal you, it’s your heart.  You were soft and you were called ma’am, men held doors and got out of your way.  Your heart.

So, what do you know to be absolutely true?

Tell me, honey, tell me.  Tell me the truth.  And I promise that I will believe it, believe it for you, even if others want you to doubt it.

There’s no reality except the one contained within us.

That’s why so many people live an unreal life.

They take images outside them for reality

and never allow the world within them to assert itself.

            Hermann Hesse

The world within you.  Tell me the truth of it.  Don’t just tell me how you doubt it, tell me what you have doubted and you haven’t been able to make go away.

Your truth is true, and you have to believe it.  Doubting it hasn’t worked.

What do you know to be absolutely true?

Resisting Calling To the Point Of Self Destruction

The Private Story

What’s the opposite of life affirming?

Life denying?

Life erasing?

Life destroying?

Catharsis isn’t always healing.

That was a surprise to the people at Kripalu Yoga Center in the Berkshires who ran a bizarre mixture of Ashram Light and  “Inner Child” pop psychology called “Inner Quest Intensive.”

Luckily, though, they didn’t have to be all that surprised.  If you keep coming back to your beliefs, surprises can go away quickly, lost in the habits of your own dogma.

My sister doesn’t know what to do to help me, but she wanted to, really wanted to.   That’s why, after three demurrals, I got the hard sell for Inner Quest Intensive.

“It’s not for me,” I said.

“Body oriented process isn’t so useful for trannys, because we have an odd relationship with our bodies,” I said.

“Eastern religions want to break the ego, but then they have something they want to replace it with,”   I said.

“The men and the women sleep on the floor in different rooms.  Where do the trannys sleep?” I said.

“This group is too large, I will be invisible,” I said.

“No, No, No, No, No.” I was told.  “You always do this, judge things before they happen, and that cuts you out of so much.”

It turns out that I was right.  It was that bad.

And worse.

When you have less than 24 hours to gear up, things move fast.  Or at least they did until 5 PM when I was waiting in the parking lot for my driving partner, who had an unbreakable doctors appointment.

I knew that things were going to be odd.   Her partner had called my cellphone when I was driving down.  I asked what he wanted, and he wanted to chat.  I told him I was driving illegally and illegally using the cellphone, and that the phone had a high per minute cost.  He still wanted to chat.  I asked him to get to the point, and he decided that the connection was bad and hung up.

It was about 5:50 I found out what he wanted.  He wanted to tell me what was wrong with me, how I had been rude at his home, how I was “so smart that I am 10 steps ahead and that puts me two steps back,” how I had been talking to people about my reservations and that was a bad thing, how I hadn’t respected his partner, how I had been rude on the phone.  He had lots of things to tell me, it turns out, so I started repeating them back to him to tell him I heard them.

That just seemed to confuse him.  He wanted me to humble myself or to fight, not just to hear his words echoed back.  Maybe they even sounded harsh to him when I echoed them, in a way he couldn’t hear when he said them.  He wasn’t listening, didn’t want to engage me, so my mirror was disconcerting.

I had to make a choice.  To perform guy, I should just say “Fuck You” and drive off.  But that would be a disservice to his partner, who needed a hand.  I chose to, although he didn’t understand, perform woman, trusting that his indirect ravings were just an attempt to be protective about his partner.  I chose to let it pass, staying quiet.

“Look, he’s all quiet now, but he’ll start talking the minute you drive off,” he said, referring to me.  I shoulda decked him.  I shut up.

We ran into Kripalu, and then there was check-in.  They asked me for the payment.

I don’t have money.  I have medical debts, lots and lots of medical debts.  My sister was paying for this, and I assumed that was taken care of.

No, it wasn’t, he told me.

Me, and my crutches and my brace moved out of the building, looking for my sister, who was on another workshop this weekend.  I was loping along to where we passed her, trying to grab my cell phone and sweating.

The guy comes out, now a long way behind me.

“XXXXX!” he yells.  I don’t turn.  He yells that name a few times more, and I realize he’s calling me.  “We have the card in the record!  I didn’t see it!”

I lope back, now hot and bothered, late for the start, beaten up by a boyfriend and harassed by a clerk.

And then I get handed my name badge.  There it is, “XXXXX” right there.  God, that’s a name I don’t ever use anymore.  If I have to, I use my initals.  Gender Neutral, you know.

But my sister has made the reservation, and here I am, branded as XXXXX, on crutches in a Yoga center, smelling of body funk, and ready to sleep on the floor with the “other” men.

Could this get any worse?

Oh, yes, it could.

In the next moment, George pulls me aside, into a small office for a chat.

“Your friend called and said that you were transgender, and I want to know what you want us to do about that.”

God.  What did I want to do about that?

I knew what I wanted to do — I wanted to show myself as I know myself in the workshop, but between sex-segregated sleeping on the floor, 15 hours a day of togetherness, 3 minute showers in a shared bathroom and the injunction to surrender jewelry and makeup, I knew that wasn’t going to happen.  There was no choice to present as I wished, and somehow, going as some androgynous creature in tights and a beard just didn’t cut it for me.

But now, now, now, now, this man, this earnest and nice man wanted to have a sensitive chat about what I wanted and needed.

I mumbled, I blathered, I said it would be fine.

He then lead me and my crutches up the stairs.  Not the elevator, but the stairs.  You see, they don’t get many handicapped people at a Yoga center. . . .

Could this get any worse?

You know the answer.

Her name is Aruni, and she was the workshop, the ever present voice at the front of the room.  She is a lesbian, and she knows that, but she is also butch, and that she doesn’t know.  She’s married to her partner, somehow, and is a parent because they have a dog.

This is a woman who thinks having a dog is the same as raising kids?  Yup.  That was the right answer for her, and it would be the right answer for us, those of us who were surrendering our illusion of control.   Right, surrendering our illusion of control to bolster her illusion of control.

I knew in a moment that my sister had lied, that this was what I expected.  She probably didn’t even know that when she did it, she just felt that it was important to say that I didn’t know everything.  That, of course, is the answer to so many things: What you say you know is blocking you, so you must be wrong.  You don’t really know what you know.

They did the ground rules.  The arrogance showed in the moment they told us what the “group agreement” was, which were the rules we had to follow, but never told us what their agreement was, what rules they would follow.

I was so peeved I crossed my “slave name” out on my name badge and wrote in my simple truth: “Resisting calling to the point of self-destruction.”

And then the music started, with Michael Jackson.  Was there really a need to play a song by someone whose lifestyle of abuse seems to overshadow his music?  Of course, though, no one on staff had actually been around the whole Michael Jackson mess this winter, they were on the yoga mat.

We got our taste after this: this was to be a weekend of horribly bad “Women’s Music.”  If it was sweet and sappy, and played by someone Tran, we were going to hear it.

They moved the gentlemen out of the women’s bedroom, and to our own site.  It was a cramped room full of yoga funk that sickened me.  I rolled out my mat, dropped my crutches and pulled the comforter up over my head, and then I did what I was to do all weekend: I sobbed.  Flat, quiet sobs, wracking my body, gracefully covered by my bedding, or so I hoped until the cover slipped and I saw everyone looking at me.

I was the guy on crutches and the one who was sobbing.  One staffer came up and asked me my name.  I said “No Comment.”  He asked if I needed something for the pain, and I told him it wasn’t physical.  He let me go.

Thankfully, that was only the first I saw of the kindness of the staff.  As volunteers, they were very caring, and very committed to safe space in a way I never saw from the person on the microphone.

I went quiet, and as a thunderstorm swept by the windows, I spent the night thinking and not sleeping.  I thought about how I have learned to resist my own fragility, how these people were missionaries, sure they were spreading the right answer rather than visionaries who lived in doubt.  I thought about my own knowledge, and how people were so quick to dismiss it, and I dreamed of death.  Lovely, comforting death, however it came, from drowning or electrocution or poison.  How could I die here?  I had already told my parents separately that if there was an accident, they shouldn’t feel sad about me.  How could there be an accident?

I comforted myself with thoughts of being beaten to death by a mob with baseball bats, the blows thudding against my flesh and breaking bones, opening up hemorrhages, the pain so sharp at the point of impact but turning to a dull roar as my battered body began to shut down, just accepting the powerful hits with the surrender of flesh.  In my mind, I saw myself blacking out, as a gurgled blood into my last breath.

That calmed me down some, and I got a bit of sleep.

Yoga the next morning, next to our rolled up bedding, was truly uncomfortable. I was without sleep, on a crutch, and was one of the 23 gentlemen that they were honored to have here.  I was here, I was out and I was in, I was messy and disconnected, and these people really believed that by entering my body, I would find catharsis that lead to healing.

Healing, though, takes resolution.

Much of the work was in dyads with a kind of silent listening to the drone of Aruni on the mic, the ever-present drone of this lesbian who had been here since the beginning and knew the answers.

I had to sit across from the guy who slept though Yoga as he told me that his deepest and most vital feelings were about being tired.   The questions were expository, and I thought, well, now or never.  In my second time to talk, I disclosed my trans nature.

That’s when of course, he raised his knees up and started to hug them close to his body.  “This is safe space because we say it is,” they kept saying.  Is that really all it takes?

The next question I was asked was simple: “If you could trust the knowledge in your heart, how would you honor it this weekend?”  I knew damn well what the knowledge was.  I knew how to honor it.  I got up and left the room.

Nicholas came out, the men’s Yoga instructor, and sat with me.  We talked about the challenges, the sobbing, the getting there, the whole thing.  I finally felt heard, at least a little bit, and I went back in. I sat on the floor in my backjack and sobbed.  I was getting good at this whole sobbing thing.

My sister paid what I considered big bucks for this workshop.  Could I really bail?

I could even if they did take the car keys.  But I knew that my failure could easily be seen not as a triumph of me knowing what was good for me, but a failure to have an open heart and an open mind.  This was hell and didn’t feel healing to me, but I was in the judgment of others.  To leave was to fail them, so I had to prove that they were wrong by trying.

This is, of course, a classic trans phenomenon.  One young tranny was afraid the Clarke would deny her funding for surgery because she had failed so many times — her mother had put her into foster care, she had been in juvenile hall and more.  It turned out, of course, she was the perfect candidate because all the other possibilities had failed.  Trans expression was the last resort, the last step before certain death, and that is the only way it can be true.

So now, I had to commit, to do my best, and prove that it wasn’t my failure to try that was the problem, it was the system that failed me.  I couldn’t check out on them, they had to check out on me.

I sat though the workshops, and continued to be erased in so many ways by the assumptions of normativity.  We were all men or women, right?  And when we read the grace at meals, beans and rice only, we affirmed that we created this body for ourselves.  Not a creation myth that transpeople tend to choose.

To me, hell is a place where people trying to be nice erase and destroy you.  It’s easy when evil people come after you, because you can hate them.  Its hard when well intentioned people erase and destroy you in their attempt to be loving.  You can’t fight them and you can’t let them kill you.  That is, of course, the issue with my family, and it was the issue at Kripalu.  Nobody wanted to destroy me, but they really believed if I just worked their system to move away from the wacky mind and into the knowledge of the body, I would be healthier.

The mind was the problem and the body the answer.  I thought about where I would rather be, on the set of the brain-centric Charlie Rose show or the body-centric Jerry Springer show, and I knew that I didn’t agree.  To heal takes discipline, and that can only be done using the mind, which can understand that even as we stay in the moment we have to make choices that aren’t about this moment, but about seeing a context, moment after moment, and what will serve ourselves and our world.

It wasn’t working.  I felt erased  By the end of the day, I grabbed one of the sick on nametags and plastered it over my issued tag.  I stuck it on, but I left it blank.  Just call me crutches, thank you, my hallmark  feature in a world where half the people were yoga instructors doing their required training.

The time wore on, and it was time for the men to leave, and me with them.  We entered our room and saw candles set on the floor.  I sat and was told that we were going to do men’s circle.  I sat though one speaker, and then I got up and left. This wasn’t a place for me.

I went to the big carpeted studio next door, took a pillow and went to sleep, me on the big dark floor, my crutches next to me.

Nicholas came and woke me gently, and we talked about the day a bit, his grace helping.  I was willing to stay there, but he led me to a room reserved for challenges, and offered me a bed.  I took it.

I slept, alone.

It was the next day that the biggest crash happened.

We were to lie on the floor, and feel the truth in our body.  My partner was originally going to be the guy who tightened up when I disclosed, but I passed on him.  I got Dan, the good staffer that I said “No Comment” to and whose body was broken in some way, waking with a cane.

We were to feel our body, from the toes up and deal with body memories as we lay on our backs, ear-to-ear.  I was choosing not to go into my history, to talk about, for example, how my feet feel better in heels, how they want cute shoes.  Still, I was getting crap from the front.  “Women,” Aruni said, “think about when you first shaved your legs.  Or men, you can think about the first time you did.”  Ah, yes, there was that choice.  Women, Men and . . . .  nothing.

It was the genitals that got me.  It’s puberty that kills trannys.  Before that you can go to bed and wish you would wake up different, but after puberty does it’s work, you know that’s never going to happen.  My inner sexual life is open now, and there I am always a woman, but I know how that doesn’t and never really can match my outer body.  I have never been and am never going to be Cynthia Nixon (Miranda Hobbes in Sex And The City) in this lifetime, no matter how much I want it or feel that kind of energy in me.

I started sobbing, big dry sobs, wrenching cataclysmic sobs, but in silence so as to respect the experience of others.  I felt my mouth dry and I wondered if I could open up the back of my throat in a way that would choke myself, to die right there on the floor.  I sobbed and I sobbed and I sobbed.  Jennifer came and sat near me, as I realized later, and when Aruni said that there was a gift for us on our right side, a gift that would allow us to see who we really are, I knew what it was.

Jennifer said  “Your mirror is right here” and I gasped “I knew it was a mirror, and I refuse.”    The sobs got stronger and she expressed concern, so I turned to her, stopped sobbing and said “I can stop right now if you want.”  She was surprised at my control, but energy and body control is something trannys have to have – that denial and disconnection from feeling was an easy trick in my mind.

I sobbed and I sobbed and Dan came over.  “XXXXX, is there something you want to tell me?”

I knew he was being kind, so I kept my eyes closed and choked out “I have told others here that I am trans-identified.  We have a different relationship with our bodies.  We often feel betrayed by them.”

“Are you saying you feel betrayed by us?”

“No, I only feel erased by your assumptions of normativity.  I feel betrayed by my body.”

He touched my shoulder and I went on sobbing.  It seemed like forever, but it was probably only about 25 minutes, though an entire nap session for the group.

As I came back, my head light and swimming, my mouth dry and raw, Jennifer asked if I wanted to talk.  I tried, but when she asked me if I had community like she saw the weekend before in Ft. Lauderdale, I knew she didn’t get it.  “LGBT is not the same thing,” I said, as she was loving but blank.

“Look, I am here,” she said.  “You can talk to me.  What do you want to be called?”  I told her.  I said the word “Callan.”

The day passed.  I gave up a bowl of rice for some sleep, and then got called back into the meditation and the session on the works of that great spiritual healer, the one who wrote “If You Can Feel It, You Can Heal It,” Mr. John Gray, the author of such notable books as “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.”

We were going down the feelings iceberg, we were told, deeper and deeper, staring with anger, moving through fear and resentment, down past unfulfilled needs and to understanding, forgiveness and gratitude.

In my group, I got to be the father of two women, one a dead alcoholic and the other a cruel bastard.  Added to the battering husband and distant father I had been already, I felt rather challenged.  I did take  a moment to check in with Nicholas, and he got the point immediately — in a world, especially a world of women, it’s easy to get typecast as all the other men in their lives.   Still, in saying people had to be cast cross gender in these things — with three people in each group, there was no two gender combination that allowed everyone to have a male as dad and a female as mom.  When she said “We in this room are past gender,” she said it twice, and I took it as an attempt at a message, but one without much weight.

I did my interactions without being explicit.  For me, the most interesting thing was that the “healing” which was to exist deep at the bottom of the “iceberg” was the hardest part.  My anger is around being the one who always is the one who has to hold the understanding, forgiveness and gratitude while others avoid the healing.  It’s all topsy turvy for me, but how can holding the healing be at the center of my pain?  It’s easy, oh so easy, for someone who learned early that they had to be the healer to get others beyond kicking with their own power.  “Stupid” was my nickname in my family until I was 13, when it became “Stupid, Oh The Shrink Told Us Not To Call You That.”

After I did my piece, I did disclose to my triad.  “I am trans-identified, that’s the challenge not seen,” I said.  That went by them so fast that one even thanked me later, saying “There are few men as gracious and connected as this gentleman,” too which I could only reply “Well, there are reasons for that.”

After a blind-walk where a Japanese woman tried to lead me up a wet slope and I felt on my ass, filling my brace with mud, the day ended in a frenzy of inner child joy, or at least the kind of inner child joy that was experienced by a nascent lesbian sent to Girl Scout camp.  We got to take bits of paper with animals on them and make the sound of that animal to find our group, and then dance to more banal dyke music.    These were people who really believe that their path to healing is the path for everyone, the missionaries.

Me?  I was more and more sure this wasn’t the place for me, not this chapel and not this world.  I continued to slip away.

Nicholas asked me about where I would sleep, and I notice he called me Callan.  He had heard though the grapevine, and I was honored.

I’d stay, try another day.

I didn’t start sobbing again until next morning in Yoga.   I sat though the meditation, but I then looked to find Jennifer.

“I don’t know if I am more sick of sobbing or not sobbing,” I said, a profound statement about my life that wasn’t heard.  But I sobbed anyway, and Jennifer didn’t know what to do.

“Can you try to do the work, say what you want to say to your child?”

OK, OK.  In came Neil, a very tall and very handsome young man in his white Yoga clothes, the uniform of the staff.  I thought, well, just go.

I did my work, telling my inner child to run, to do what she could while she was still young enough to be pretty, strong enough to be resilient and naive enough to enthusiastic.

I felt bad because I pulled this guy from his work, but when he went on a tear at a distant father, I could see it was valuable.  He told me that he had work to do later, and it turns out that he had to do the next demo when he had to speak to his father.

He thanked me, told me I was the perfect person for him to do this with.  He told me how brave I was.  God, I hate that.  It’s a way to separate ourselves from others: you are the brave one.  It’s good to be affirmed in brave choices, but the moment we become the poster child for bravery, we are disconnected. Aruni did this to a woman who has metastases cancer, telling her how brave she was, and what an inspiration at the end, in front of the group.  I went up to her later and hugged her and told her I would be praying for her. I said that I always hated being called brave, but that I thought her choice to claim life while she had it was great.  “After all, we are all  dying, you just have a better idea about the schedule, so we all have to make the choice to live life while we have it or not,” I said.  She smiled and agreed.

As we came into the last night, there was some sharing.  I made a joke with Nicholas about my sharing, and he encouraged me to do it

I went back to my little room, got some sleep, and when I woke at 5:30 I pulled out a pen and started writing.  What would I say to this group?  Could I say it in the 90 second soundbytes that seem to be the only way available?

You may know me as the one with the crutch, but as the staff has come to know, this weekend is very interesting and challenging for me because I come from a very different healing tradition.  Like any healing tradition the goal is to "come together or unite,"  the definition of Yoga, and "the highest form of practice is observing the self without judgment," as Yogi Kripalu taught you.  Our focus, though, is on moving through those walls of illusion that separate "them" from "us," moving though the walls between one world and the next, between this world and the underworlds.
The Kripalu tradition is represented in India by the Yogis, but my tradition is represented by the Hejra, those who honor and connect with divinity by walking though the walls of illusion that seem to separate men from women.

Anthropologists tell us that the tradition that those who walk between sexes & gender roles also walk between worlds has been found in almost every native culture at almost every time.  These shamans seem to have played an important role in the success of the group because otherwise they would have been bred out over generations. But we still exist, are still born even in modern western cultures which do not value these traditions.

"In cultures where gender is rigidly bi-polar, rituals of gender crossing remind us of our continuous common humanity” said anthropologist Anne Bolin. We know that even today priests still wear dresses and many holy people are androgynous.

My tradition is different because we believe not just in the truth of the body, but in the truth of the spirit.  For me, I don't ground in the mother earth, but  in mother moon, taking a celestial look at connections beyond history and biology.

When you study it you will find that my healing tradition of the shamans who cross worlds, even the world of men and women to remind us all is connected even if we see separations that comfort or scare us, is rich and long.  In this culture today, though, my healing tradition has been lost, been erased and devalued.  Those who hold this calling are seen not as those with a gift to be developed and nurtured, but as those with a mistake that needs to be corrected or erased.  

In this weekend we have spoken a great deal about how the magical knowledge we had as kids has been erased and damaged, but it cannot be destroyed.   For those of us who are transgender identified that knowledge is pounded out of us by a system of gender that tells us there are only two ways to be, and that the fact of our genitals has determined our life, not the fact of our spirit.  

Everyone feels the pressure of gender but only a few so acutely that we have to walk though the no man's/no woman's land that separates our human hearts.
I was talking about the issue of being out, where and when and how we choose to expose ourselves.  I said that the issue to me was not to be out or to be in, but to be wild and tame.  Where are we tame enough to fit in, to be appropriate, to honor the space, and where are we wild enough to stand out, to be bold, to honor the spirit?

This isn't just an issue for transgender identified people, it is a challenge for all of us in this world,  It's just that those bold enough to be more fully themselves can open the space for others to follow, trusting and showing their hearts rather than following along to feel hidden and obedient.

My regret here is that I don't have my vestments with me, that I can't show you beyond the words of my traditions to more of my practice, my personal practice is also in my words and in the healing heart I always bring with me.

I ask of you one thing: to always be as tender with those who have this challenging gift of a heart that crosses sex and gender boundaries as the staff here has been with me.  To have your heart pounded and erased because people see only your body is very painful, and few of us have the time and the energy to do the work to find our own individual spiritual practice.  

The trans road, like the road of any shaman, is one that is very personal, moving you away from the group to a personal journey, and in this world where we want to believe that things are either sexual or they are not, entering the Eros of our heart even when that challenges the expectations placed on our body can be very, very difficult.  We learn to hide behind masks, even those of transsexuality, drag and cross-dressing.  Making ourselves manifest in a way that allows us to be present with ourselves feels dangerous.

I have sobbed for the energy blockages here, cried deeply, but my challenge has always been how to live authentically in a world that has little place left open for people like me.  That is far from a simple challenge for any of us, even though those open hearted enough to be called here to Kripalu.

You are here as healers, and I thank you for being here and creating a space where spiritual paths can cross and where we can share the knowledge and tenderness we have opened to others.  It is truly a gift, and I accept it with gratitude.

I hope that you will accept the gifts of people like me as you continue in your journey, knowing that what you open to and affirm to others, even others called to another path, is what you open to and affirm in yourself.

The road to enlightenment leads right past gender, but it always by finding the safety, inside or outside, to be wild enough to express our authentic self that we take another step.

Thank you for being here and being with me.

Any questions?

I gave this to Nicholas after Yoga this morning, telling him its what I would say.  He suggested that I share with the group, and I said I would be willing to do that, but that he should read it first.

He really believed I should share, but I really knew my sharing was too long and too far off the agenda to fit into Aruni’s vision.

I went into the big room found a marker, and wrote “Callan” on  my nametag.  I thought about this process — being given a family name, scratching it out, leaving the space blank and then claiming a name, and reflected how this was my life.

I did the session in the morning, what we would say to our inner child, and the piece about being connected to Moon Mother made sense.  We may all have the same father, but some of us are children of the earth and a few of us children of the moon, and some children of other places.  We are here together because we are all children, with learning and work to do, and it’s OK that we have different mothers, different traditions, a different heritage.

I had done the work they asked of me, all that catharsis, but even as the session was winding down, I knew that catharsis wasn’t always healing unless resolutions could come, that simply feeling it can’t heal what keeps getting pounded by a system that wants to make us disappear.  I knew the map of scars across my body and soul, but these were people who could not read that map, and that meant only one thing — the odds are I would get more scars.

It didn’t take long.

Aruni did the piece where they talk about what you can do at home.  Everyone talked body, no body talked about creation.  Near the end I raised my hand, and I sensed some resistance to call on me.  I wanted to say that you have to expose yourself to see yourself, that you have to make art and watch it.

I did get called on, me with my big new nametag, and when she addressed me for the first time in the session, Aruni said “XXXXX?”

Bang.   I got out the start of my piece before she grabbed it quickly and took back control, seemingly relieved that the shit didn’t hit the fan.

There it was, the cycle of the name tag back to center, the “real truth” erasing me even in this space that was “safe because we say it is.”

I had one little treat, though.  Some guy had mentioned the men’s circle, and Aruni felt the need to apologize for this secret meeting that Nicholas hosted, saying that this space was feminine.   She then went on to honor the men with “all she knew about men,” proceeding to grunt like on Home Improvement.  At the end, when Aruni was getting her love pats, the men started grunting as she had, and you could see Aruni start to tense up, and George had to quickly ask for a nice om to stop the masculine power from shaking our leader in safe space.

Needless to say, nobody asked me to speak.  When the meeting broke, I got my manuscript back from Nicholas, who said “Being a shaman is a hard path.”

“No shit,” I said  “But I didn’t choose it.”

“Yeah.  When I read the scriptures, I see those chosen by God often had a very hard time.  Do you have support?”

“There aren’t many of us, but I have found a few.  Its all I can hope for.”

“Do you draw?”  Nicholas asked me

“No.”

“You should try.  Your pen on the paper, you are close.  And read about the moon in Yoga,”

“I will,” I replied.  “Thanks.  You know, don’t you, that Aruni calling me that name was very visceral to me, very strong.  I don’t think it was intentional, but it felt bad.”

“I know.  I felt it.”

I thanked him, threw away the evaluation and went to the cafe where I could get Potato Vegetable Hash.  My sister came in, from the other program and heard me telling a friend about the messes in the program.  I felt badly, but as we left, some people from the session engaged me, and I talked about my experience, and as they agreed with me, she started to believe it wasn’t all my stuff.

We went out and a group of people saw me, the one with the crutches.  and they shouted “Goodbye!  Goodbye XXXXX!”

“That was nice,” she said.

“They got the name wrong,” I said.

“Yes, but they appreciated you, and that should be enough.”

Yeah, maybe it should, but as I took off the name badge, I looked again at what I wrote that first night.

“Resisting Calling To the Point Of Self Destruction.”

Catharsis is not always healing.

In fact sometimes, when it’s in a place where people know that their answers are the only right ones, it’s downright life destroying.

Yeah, that’s the opposite of life affirming.


June 12

It’s been a week to relive Kripalu.

On Tuesday, Scientific American Frontiers had a program on stress. When they started showing the relaxation exercises, the yoga based breathing and such, my heart began to pound in a very scary way. I turned off the TV and tried to enter the breath – there is always the breath as Swami Kripalu told us. As I did, the pounding got worse, and my even as I tried to deepen my breath it turned faster and more shallow, the anxiety rising like a skyrocket.

I remembered the old science fiction story about the copy writer who took an overdose of the chemical in joy gum when he was testing it, and was now allergic to it while the rest of the world chewed away and got so mellow that inertia set in, while he had to watch.   The good stuff turned to poison because of a bad reaction. Yeah.

On Thursday, I told Zoe part of the Kripalu story. Interestingly, it is only the second time I told the story out loud. The first was when I sat in on Karen’s session with Pastor Bob, helping her explain her experience. The phone rang and I didn’t get to finish the story, ending it with “. . . and then it got worse.”

Every other time I told the story was not with breath, but with fingers, typing text into a text editor or chat window. That’s the way to capture feelings, not to feel them.

Today, Saturday, I was thinking about what I had told Zoe, putting together the conversation we had about “Inner Quest Intensive” at Kripalu, stories about being offered a cookie as reward, being read children’s books badly, and being offered stuffed animals for bedtime, and the conversation we had about her history with the Roman Catholic Church. We spoke of how the church infantilizes both church members and clergy to keep centralized control, to be always in the role of parent to children ready to follow.

Of course, it clicked to me, infantalizing their followers is exactly what Kripalu set out to do in “Inner Quest Intensive.” Take them back to their childhood and re-parent them in the proper Kripalu style. They wanted me (and the rest of us) to be children, removed from our own choices and placed into theirs.

The power was always at the head of the room, sitting on the guru bench surrounded by flowers and plants. We were always on the floor in front, gathered like children awaiting a story.

I’m sure they didn’t think they wanted to infantilize people in order to remove adult critical thinking and gain power. I’m sure that they believe that by forcing people to face their childhood they could reconsider how they face things as adults. Of course, the people in the Roman Catholic Church don’t think they infantilize for power and control, either.

For me, though, as I drove today, I thought about how they worked to keep me silenced in the session so they could not be challenged, how they really wanted to me to deny my hard won adulthood in favor of their responsibility-relieving feel good childhood.

This all sounds like an intellectual treatise, but like the pounding heart triggered by someone telling Alan Alda to enter the breath, it triggers a very visceral response in me. I want to take those fuckers and not be nice and appropriate, but take them apart rationalization by rationalization, power game by power game. Kathy believed that the good thing about Kripalu was that it gave me something to push against, but instead, it gave me someone who had an entire context set up to dis-empower and inhibit the strength in individuals, replacing it with the cookie cutter solutions of the faith.

The Public Story

Kripalu Center Inner Quest Intensive

1-4 May 2003

Callan Williams, © 2003, All Rights Reserved

If you want to run a cool spook-house, you need a cool place to do it. And an old seminary that sits alone, high on a hill in the picturesque Berkshires, overlooking a lake is perfect. It soars just like what it was built to be, a 1950’s era Jesuit seminary made to take men out of the world and remold them. The building replaced a previous mansion that fell to flames, and with its fireproof concrete and rigid lines, it could help create warriors to save a world from the flames of hell.

Today, it serves a very different purpose. It’s the world headquarters of the Kripalu Yoga fellowship. Kripalu moved in 1983, 13 years after the Jesuits moved out. They came with a guru, but due to some indiscretions he left in 1994, and today they pride themselves on being the first ashram started on a guru-disciple model to “transition to a new paradigm of spiritual education.” According to their website, “Kripalu honors all traditional and contemporary spiritual teachings that support the individual’s direct experience of Spirit.”

Inner Quest Intensive, is the flagship program, a weekend seminar required as part of the certification as a Kripalu Yoga Instructor. IQI, as it is called, dates back to the early days before the paradigm changed, and that makes it one of the programs, if not the program that is at the core of the Kripalu experience. It is a ritual where Kripalu people bond in the sacred traditions of the place, one that must be passed through to achieve true Kripalu-ness.

The central elements of this peculiar chamber of horrors is an odd mix of faux Ashram life and 80s style Inner Child work, all wrapped up in the synthetic experience of Girl Scout Camp. Just like any hazing, the older campers come back as volunteers to help take the staff take the new crop through the essential rituals, to assist in the sacred and secret initiation rituals, all designed to take you out of the everyday and confront you with the biggest scariest monsters of your life: your family. If this can’t convince you that with solidarity in Kripalu you are now strong enough to face them, nothing will.

Like any program that wants to take you out of the habitual to break down the individual ego, from brain washing to rushing a frat, they have something with which they want to replace the old you. In this case, though, it’s a mush of liberal new-age ideals that offer little more than a temporary high, with the illusion of a simulated community which can help you though an emotional roller coaster of their own creation.

The mechanics of the four-day workshop, which starts Thursday evening and ends after noon on Sunday, are the essence of faux Ashram. Much like entering a jail, your personal belongings are taken from you and locked away – watch, car keys, wedding ring, cell phone and so on.

Clocks are covered and you are told that you have no time, and this is to take away your illusion of control. Your illusion of control may be weakened, but, of course it also solidifies the staff’s illusion of their control, solidify the belief that they know all the right answers and have all the tools that will help – a belief they would be more than happy to have you join them in.

You are sheparded about at all times, to the sleeping quarters (women sleep in the soaring brick and concrete main chapel where the session are held, men down the hall in another yoga room) and to the meals. Food is are ascetic to say the least – rice and broth and oatmeal and fruit in at the first meal, rice and beans and salad at all other meals, served with hot or cold water, chamomile or peppermint tea bags.

Day starts around 5:30 with rolling up sleeping mats, half the group catching an instant shower, and a yoga session. It continues with sessions until about 10:30, when the meal can be served, because the “aliens” as at least one person in another workshop called us (they are always hidden!) can only eat after others have been pushed out of the dining chapel.

Like any good Masonic or neo-Pagan ritual, the intimation is that the rituals to be taught are shrouded in antiquity, in the five thousand years of Vedic teachings that Yogi Kripalu passed onto this community, but once you find that the most scared text is pop-psychologist John Gray first (1993) book “What You Can Feel, You Can Heal: A Guide To Enriching Relationships,” you know that’s not true. “Let’s go down the iceberg of healing!” – certainly not an image the southern Indian Vedic traditions would have embraced.

The core tool, the central mirror in the funhouse, is the “dyad” where two people sit across from each other (on the floor, of course – the floor and “back-jacks” are the standard) and speak in turn, one speaking and the other intended to remain impassive and non-responsive. This technique is at the heart of the sessions because it allows the feeling of therapy without any real engagement, without the danger of people acting in ways that might not be good.

“The container is strong enough to take it,” say the assistants, and it is because the container is designed to defuse any but inner conflicts, to dump problems back onto the individuals. Like any boot camp, there is no room for challenge or debate, no room for questions or doubts. The true answers are in front of you, and if you can’t get it, the only choice is to, in the Kripalu vernacular, “Check Out,” leave the program. If you fail, it is your checking out on them, not the program’s failure to address you.

The person at the heart of the workshop for the last few years is “Aruni” Nan Futuronsky, one of the original Kripalu people who is now a director of programs. Futuronsky, who regularly describes herself as an ex-high school teacher, is an out lesbian woman, “married” to another woman, who also leads Kripalu’s “Lavender Spirituality” series.

It’s Nan’s particular viewpoint that shapes “Inner Quest Intensive” to be what it is. From her banal and thoughtless choice of music, including Michael Jackson (who might well upset some who have been abused in their lives) to Cris Williamson (a lesbian who refuses to allow trans people into her shows), to her incessant and endless amplified patter (even while you are trying to bring the focus inside, as when you are doing bodywork), Futuronsky defines the workshop. She qvells over the title of the decade old John Gray book at the heart of the curriculum – “Brilliant! If I could write a book with a title that good!” – never seeming to know that it is a phrase Louise Hay used in her ground-breaking book “You Can Heal Your Life” a decade before. Still, its easy to gloss over so much if you know that there is no way people can challenge you without “checking out.”

Futuronsky’s sweeping Kripalu definitions of truth can easily leave people and priorities in the cold. She asked if any people were parents, and then included herself in that because she and her partner have a dog. For a friend, who was less than a month beyond losing a child, this was not sensitive. When it was revealed that the men had their own circle in the evenings, Futuronsky felt the obligation to make excuses, brag about what the women had (a harp) and grunt, saying that was all she knew about men. In a perfect circle, in the goodbye ritual, which contains a special time for Futuronsky to get her strokes, the men started grunting in unison, and when the facility manager saw how the grunting spooked Nan, he quickly called for a sustained “om.”

It may well be true that lesbians who have a sexual awakening at Girl Scout camp fetish it forever. Futuronsky admitted that at least one of her exercises, where you get a slip of paper and have to make the noise that farm animal makes so you can find others who have the same animal, where then you have to be the animal with them was learned at Girl Scout camp. Certainly many of the other “reward” exercises, where you were asked to find a “bunkmate” and share notes from your childhood – most yukky food, best food, biggest prank – or were eventually rewarded on the last night with a cookie from an “angel”, could come directly out of the camp leader’s handbook.

Is inner child work the most effective therapeutic technique around? Today, even few pop-psychologists still carry on the inner child tradition, having found that while it indulges pain and victimization, it doesn’t provide an effective base for change. Now, the intent is to help people focus on possibility and reflection, not just indulgence.

For most of the people at Inner Quest Intensive, it was exactly what it was designed to be: a feel good experience. As body centered yoga teachers in a fast world, they hadn’t taken much time to examine their own lives on any level, let alone a sustained three days. For them, this is a revelatory and exciting feel-good experience, often so much so that they want to come back. Of course, the program is designed to create that bonding experience without any of the mess of community – the injunction to social silence means that difference & conflict are made invisible while shared hardships are very visible. It feels like you have shared in dyads, but with no real feedback, has any real sharing happened?

There were cracks, of course. The men talked about how shallow the workshop felt, how bad the music was, and even about how people facing challenges, like metastasized cancer or the suicide of their son seemed to be given short shrift by the relentless feel good attitude that deflected hard challenges into instant courage, allowing a pat on the back to replace real compassion. Not engaging real and messy challenges has always been a key to maintaining orthodoxy.

My own personal experience at Inner Quest Intensive was unique. I am transgender-identified, and went not because I thought it would be good, but because my sister thought it would help me find my footing by seeing that a community of people could appreciate my gifts. It was instantly obvious to me that a sex segregated workshop with no personal time would not allow me to express my transgender nature with the standard symbols. Add to that the fact that my sister used my family issued name on the name tag, and things got odd. I spent the first night in the men’s room sobbing, and things got worse from there.

In addition, I have a sysdesmotic screw in my ankle to help fuse the bone to replace the ligament I tore on the ice, so I was in a brace and crutches. I could tell people at Kripalu weren’t used to dealing with people on crutches when the George, the facilities manager, led me up the stairs rather than up the elevator after pulling me aside for a little chat, triggered by a call from a concerned friend who also took the workshop, but ended up “checking out.”

Luckily for me, Nicholas, the one who led the men off to bed (and their secret men’s circle, started a few years to give time and space that respected men since the main meeting didn’t) and woke them with yoga, embodied compassion and understanding. He made it easy for me by finding me another bed, listening to a complaint or two, and reading the statement I would have made to the group.   He first encouraged me to share it, but after reading and consultation with other staff, they chose not to have me share. I was not surprised. With up to 75 people in every session, the sessions are inherently automated, and the assumptions of normativity tend to cover the real challenges that people are having.

I did raise my hand to share in one of the last sessions. Futuronsky had asked about what people could do after they left, and people were coming up with ideas like gardening and yoga, but one were choosing emotional or mentally reflective activities like journaling. Futuronsky did offer therapy and recovery programs (her tradition), but when I raised my hand, she pointedly called me by my family name rather than what was on my nametag, and held her breath while I spoke. I suggested that people need to expose themselves to see themselves, and said that I need to listen to advice I give to others, because I usually need to hear it. I was going to go on to say that making art was one of the best ways to expose yourself, but she cut me off cold, and my contribution was over.

My personal experience of being in a body centered culture, where the blessing we were forced to read before dinner said “I chose this body,” where the mind was denigrated as wacky, and where we were told to look in a hand mirror and see our true self – our body, was a sense of abuse. I went though the body memory exercise and sobbed for a long time, but for me sobbing was constant and deep.

While the dogma said that my sobbing released energy blocks in my body, I felt that the sobbing was from the kind of erasure I was experiencing in their own doctrine. When we went around the circle and gave a four-word summary of our experience, mine was simple: “Catharsis is not always healing.” This is the lesson that has caused many psychologists to leave using inner child work – feelings released without any way to empower change can be burdens to carry rather than burdens shed. In fact, studies of holocaust survivors have shown that many who did not relive their experience were happier and more successful than those who indulged the abuse and pain.

Unfortunately, those who believe in victimization, who think we need to face our father and mother in projection, entering the abuse, really do believe that catharsis is always healing. But many have learned that reliving emotional trauma is an easy way to create emotional rollercoaster in a new-age amusement park, ups and downs that are thrilling but that eventually leave us feeling good and strong, like we have survived something dangerous when it was no more risky than riding Disney’s Space Mountain. We are end up right where we started, but with a buzz that keeps many coming back for more.

At the end of the weekend, Nicholas wanted me to know that they really cared about follow-up, and said that Futuronsky’s e-mail address was in the packet they offered. How he ever could feel that I would see Futuronsky as safe space is beyond my understanding. I did have a friend come up from the city three days after I left Kripalu because she was afraid that I was even more self-destructive than when I went to the workshop, which was true.

The packet also included guidelines about how to communicate about the workshop, because they found that giving the specifics of what happened in the sessions “didn’t capture the experience.” The catalogue is vague about the content of the workshop, and I am sure they prefer it that way, just the same as the kids who run the Halloween Spook House at the mall don’t want you spilling the secret that the guts are just pasta in red jello.  I didn’t bother to pick up the packet to learn how I should behave and speak from here on out.

As someone who is string in their own beliefs, which are not body centered, who is transgender identified and who was handicapped, my personal experience of Inner Quest Intensive was very, very negative.

Kripalu is selling their own brand of enlightenment, and since they have been successful at it, why change? It seemed obvious to me that Futuronsky has not been out and about finding newer and more effective techniques, but is comfortable in giving a classic Kripalu experience, ersatz community, body without mind, bad music and all.

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