I had never heard a death rattle before, but when that sound started to emerge from my mother, lying in her recliner, I knew what it was. The hospice nurse hadn’t believed me when I told her my mother’s intentions. “If people could choose when to go,” she told me, “my mother would have stayed … Continue reading Actively Dying
A shut mouth casts no spells. Unless you are absurdly beautiful, it is impossible to charm and connect with other people by staying silent. An open mouth reveals who you are. One of the first things it reveals is how present you are. Are you aware of the people and situation around you? Are … Continue reading Mouth Spells
Where are the wins? Where do you find the glints that keep hope and optimism alive? The front door has been broken since the morning of my birthday. That means I use the garage door. In this weather, that means cold comes in and everything in there has frozen, down to the cans of beans, … Continue reading Where Are The Wins?
The Space Shuttle was both designed to be reusable and only to return from low earth orbit so, as TBB (Yes, she is a rocket scientist) can tell you, NASA chose a ceramic tile system as a heat shield to shed the energy from the friction of entry into the atmosphere. The new Orion crew … Continue reading Ablation
Some lawyers in the patent department at Bell Labs decided to study whether there was an organizing principle that could explain why certain individuals at the Labs were more productive than others. They discerned only one common thread: Workers with the most patents often shared lunch or breakfast with a Bell Labs electrical engineer named … Continue reading Questions Open Worlds
I’m really, really good at fighting. I keep calm, state my case well, give and take, don’t get snippy and hold my ground strongly. I’m really, really bad at fighting. It leaves me all jangled for a long time afterwards, distressed and very upset, taking a huge amount out of me. I picked up my … Continue reading Post Traumatic Distress
The opposite of discipline is distractability. We live in a world where distractions are everywhere. Most of them are man-made, shiny objects and ideas specially designed to capture your attention for a moment in a quest to capture your cash. The world is one huge carnival midway, full of tempting distractions created to lure … Continue reading Opposite Discipline
You know, you would think that normies would be able to help you learn how to act normally, offering constructive tips about how to fit in and all that. They can’t do that, though. They are mostly useless at that kind of assistance. The reason is, I suspect, that they don’t really understand what doing … Continue reading Trans Practice
I was watching Inspector Montalbano and the Terracotta Dog, in which Livia, returning after Salvo was shot, falls in love with him again. The beautiful Katharina Böhm is luminous in her velvet coat as she floats through scenes with Luca Zingaretti, clearly a woman who has remembered why she was drawn to this man in … Continue reading Woman In Love
My father lit up any time my sister entered the room, all smiles and beaming blue eyes. He loved his beautiful daughter. It was my name he kept repeating as he was dying. He wanted to know where I was, even when I was holding his hand. After speaking for he and my mother for … Continue reading Unsafe At Any Age
“Well, I just couldn’t take the passive role,” said a guy talking about relationships. “Do you really want a passive partner?” I asked. He didn’t think so. “I prefer the word ‘receptive,’” I offered. The women in the circle smiled and nodded their heads in agreement. They understood that their role as women wasn’t to … Continue reading Receptive
“My life, my life,” said young ShamanGal to me. “I spent so long denying who I am, and that lead me to do so many self destructive things, and now I am hurting. How do I get over this?” The lovely thing about other people’s challenges is that the answers are clear to us, objective … Continue reading Holding The Good
When I look at my middle period writings — the stuff from around 1994 to 2000 — I see one key question that seeds through all of it. (For the record, while I wrote bad trans fiction as early as 1973, some of it published in Female Impersonator News out of Belmar, New Jersey, my … Continue reading Period
When I was in college, I saw counselor. He told me “Well, it’s kind of like you have depression, but not really.” He put me on some anti-depressants, which weren’t nearly as nice as they are today. No effect. My sister is reading “Shoot The Damn Dog: A Memoir Of Depression” by Sally Bromfield. I … Continue reading Induced Depression
I sometimes imagine what experts would say about me. I think about going to a gender clinic to start changing my body, where either they would ask me the newbie questions or they would be smart and just say, “Why the hell didn’t you start this years ago?” I imagine my family asking therapist reading … Continue reading Celebrate Me
In management, there are two basic ways of creating structure in a business. The first is imposing structure; creating a system that you have invented and then training the people to play their roles in that system. This can easily be seen in an assembly line. In that structure, people are just mostly just playing … Continue reading Imposed or Organic?
I am, she said, desperately, desperately, desperately resisting returning to the status quo. For me, that’s what not changing my shirt for a week, sleeping on the floor, not eating at table are about; emphasizing discomfort and emphasizing the need for change. But, but, but I see few ways to claim new. September, maybe. Ouch.
TBB is getting a bit queasy about returning to FLA to start her job search, no matter how well the trip she and her kids ended in Biloxi last night — a nice hotel with “Family” running it, a great filet mignon dinner and two jackpots at the casino. While there are few guarantees in … Continue reading Eyes Of Love
A police officer is shot, the bullet dances in her body and ends with a complete severing of the spinal cord, leaving her parapalegic. She just wants to be normal again. The team from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition come in and offer her the best of everything, from a recovery room with the workout machines, … Continue reading Anything Is Possible?
One of the things I don’t have, one of the things that it would be valuable to have, and one of the things I despair of ever having, is a simple story. People don’t grasp complex instantly. Their overall capacity to grasp complexity, with all its contradictory facets, is directly related to their life experience with … Continue reading A Simple Story