It’s been a very Brené Brown night. ShamanGal was in real pain last night. When I read her a positive piece she wrote the night before she could barely recognize the words as her own, she was so distant from them. I knew she needed help and somehow, I caught on the shame she felt. … Continue reading Shame, Gender & Stupid
TBB is concerned that my cycle time is decreasing. That’s engineer talk for time to failure, or at least time to maintinance. I see it more as mean time to stupid, time to that craziness where the black hole caves in and I get so obsessed with the little stuggles in my life that I … Continue reading Time To Stupid
My sister has been told that she makes her staff feel stupid. She wondered why and finally figured out the reason. They feel stupid because she treats them like they are smart. Instead of just answering their questions, she explains to them the thinking behind the answer, so they will understand more. That’s a family … Continue reading Stupid Smart
When I look back on my “years of longing,” what hits me most strongly is how dillegently I worked at staying stupid. Of course, that’s what longing does. It gives us tunnel vision, and tells us that if we focus more tightly, if we become even more blind, things will get better. Longing is the … Continue reading Staying Stupid
I’m sitting here in black leggings, high heel ankle boots & a black twill mini drinking beer and listening to Hedwig And The Angry Inch. I remember the first time I drank beer. I was in the basement room of my family’s house with Darlene, who ended up with Alice, and it was about 1978. … Continue reading Not Stupid Enough
Listening to the world from my little outpost, I hear the rage of so, so many humans who desperately want to be heard, who feel negated and erased, who demand that others act by acknowledging their pain and fury. These people hold a wide range of viewpoints, from demanding change to demanding stability, holding many … Continue reading Strangled Scream
“You know how the trainer said no one crosses the lines he offered diagonally, like being a fast feeling performer and a slow thinking analyst at the same time?” my boss asked me. “I heard that, yes,” I replied. “But you do that, are both those things.” She was right. I have always existed in … Continue reading Torn Through
When I was a kid — and still, today — I abstained from recreational chemicals. After all, if I was so buzzy just with the spirit my mother in the sky gave me, what would I be like on drugs? At a very, very young age, I understood that my big challenge was keeping myself … Continue reading Terrifying Energy
Magic, from the outside, looks magical. Bam! Poof! Alacazam! Transformation happens, amazement ensues, and everybody is happy! Is there any wonder why people who never really wanted to be a tranny in the first place (2006) dream of that kind of magic happening in their lives? They want the magical transformations that they imagined, and … Continue reading Bloody Magic
There are days when I really wish I could believe in the “Law of Attraction,” the idea that simply wishing for and visualizing things can draw them into our life. There is some truth encapsulated in that notion, of course. If we don’t believe we are worthy, don’t trust in our own grace, we will … Continue reading Attraction Fraction
I believed that rationality would save me. What else possibly could? I was growing up in a house where my mother’s intense internalized trauma of growing up with Aspergers got sprayed over everything and everyone, where every moment threatened another explosion, another erasure, another lashing out in search of a scapegoat who must be the … Continue reading Salvation’s End
I am in favour of stoicism. Learning how to think rather than just feel, to make choices based on balance & priorities rather than just impulse & reaction saved my life. I believe that as we age, learning to be more stoic helps us be more effective in the role of the parent, the role … Continue reading Stow Ick
Babies are awash in sensation. It is a time in our lives when we experience through our senses of touch, taste, warmth and cold. We know when we feel bad and when we feel good, know how to surrender to being taken care of nicely, know how to cry out when something distresses us. With … Continue reading SensationFail
My history and my knowledge is written on my own skin. When transpeople try to explain their experience of struggling to claim themselves in the world to others we often find it impossible. Those who hear our tales try to map it to their own experience, their own understanding, but they come up being at … Continue reading Raw Skin
I can’t go on like this. I am burnt-out and exhausted. This, I have read, is common in autistic people, particularly those who have struggled for years to ‘pass’. It is called the cost of passing. It is essentially exhaustion brought on by the extra strain of pretending to be something one is not. Tony … Continue reading The Cost Of Adaptive Behaviour
The Doctor had a sex change. Now that they are in the body of actress Jodie Whittaker, Doctor Who is a woman. Reviewers praise the performance, saying the 13th Doctor now has “malleable status,” moving from palsy to authoritative as needed, not staying in as fixed a role as a man might. “You don’t look … Continue reading Unanchored
“You better work, gurl.” — RuPaul’s essential coaching advice I believe in empowerment. And the only way to empowerment that I have ever found is to work. Nobody ever hands you power just because you whine the best. Work gives us a way to make change, to feel pride, to develop skills, to contribute to … Continue reading Facilitatress
With two Aspergers parents, I was adultified early. They had no idea how to enter the emotional world of a child, how to engage my feelings and affirm my safety. Instead, my family nickname became “Stupid” from at least the age of eight or nine because I was so baffling to them, appearing so contrary. … Continue reading Being The Grown-Up
“You chose to live in suburbia. You have to follow the rules, do what others demand. If you want to make another choice, someplace you feel is safer and more supportive, we can talk about it.” — Sister, July 6, 2018. Grant me the courage to change what I can, the serenity to accept what … Continue reading Pounded Into
You can’t tell the mothers just by looking. They reveal themselves in their choices. I just read about the origins of cognitive therapy, where “Therapy may consist of testing the assumptions which one makes and looking for new information that could help shift the assumptions in a way that leads to different emotional or behavioral … Continue reading Moms and Moms
