While my struggle to be seen, heard, affirmed, validated and accurately mirrored may seem from the outside to be an intellectual quest, it most assuredly is not. It comes from somewhere much, much deeper, somewhere much more potent and tender, somewhere in my heart. I’m sure that Dr. van der Kolk, as a psychiatrist, would … Continue reading Body and Words
Sometimes, when I mess up, my blood sugar drops very low, down into the 50s or even high 40s. I can feel the effect in my body, as I sweat, become unstable and feel weak. I take a reading and have a slice of toast and the event passes. My doctor is rightly concerned … Continue reading Trauma 1, Trans Body 0
I can’t go on like this. I am burnt-out and exhausted. This, I have read, is common in autistic people, particularly those who have struggled for years to ‘pass’. It is called the cost of passing. It is essentially exhaustion brought on by the extra strain of pretending to be something one is not. Tony … Continue reading The Cost Of Adaptive Behaviour
This came through on my podcast feed recently and I started to listen. I have talked about Dr. van der Kolk and his book, “The Body Keeps The Score” before. Now, though, scraping bottom, I realize how fundamental my experience of trauma is, how it forms the flinty bedrock of who I am. For good … Continue reading Flinty Trauma
I often do the exercise of imagining what I might say if I got a chance to speak to a specific audience, so I was just spit balling a presentation for Connecticut Trans Advocacy Coalition’s Transgender Lives Conference which focuses on clinical professionals and transpeople. Trans-Empowerment: Believing In Yes Trans people grow up being taught … Continue reading Trans-Empowerment: Believing In Yes
Once you learn to keep moving while parts of you are killed off, you can face anything. I am like a space probe set into hibernation without any thought or plan for reactivation. Shutting down was required, but the damage incurred by system decay, by negligence was just never considered. How do you re-awaken something … Continue reading Out Of Hibernation
“Did you hear that?” TBB asked me. “Did you hear that?” “Yes,” I assured her. “I heard.” “My mother said you look beautiful. That’s high praise. Believe me, she speaks her mind, and if she didn’t believe it, she wouldn’t say it.” “I heard her.” “You know that she has amazing fashion sense, right? She … Continue reading Realigning Mirrors
Nobody really cares about me, and that’s fine. I was very young when I had to come to peace with that idea. My parents lived in their own worlds, asserting their own needs, and were not able to come into mine. I never saw this as evil or nasty, even if I found it frustrating … Continue reading Stop Being Invisible
I was just in a scrap on an internet forum where I have participated for over a decade. It’s about technical stuff, and it is a model of decorum, but one hothead decided they needed to spank me because while I addressed my experience with the topic of a thread, I didn’t note that a … Continue reading Fight Blitz
Once you are trans and emerged, no longer struggling to fit into your assigned box, it’s easy to look back and ponder what might have been if things had been different. What might have happened if you didn’t have to hide, instead feeling safe to show yourself? What would you have learned by going through … Continue reading Might Have Been
I knew what I needed to hear. I needed permission, needed someone else to say out loud that what I wanted, what I needed, was not sick or crackpot or disgusting, but was a legitimate, authentic and even beautiful expression of how some people are in the world. When I ended up at Southern Comfort … Continue reading Vital Permission
Very early, I came to the realization that with my bones, I could never pass for having gone through puberty as a female. I was living with a born female woman who is 6′ 3″ and has size 13 feet when I first came out as trans, understanding how different her female-bodied experience was from … Continue reading Actualization Overload
Humans, you may have discovered, can run hot and cold. They get all passionate, energized, and they get all distanced, shutting down and isolating themselves. Once they get out of their norms, their standard operating temperatures, you can’t easily predict which way the heat will go, full on or full off. Visible transpeople often take … Continue reading Borosilicate
Accurate mirroring gives you permission to feel what you feel and know what you know — one of the essential foundations of recovery. — Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps The Score You can no more see your own soul than you can see the back of your head. ‘ The only way to … Continue reading Mirror Shards
I had never heard a death rattle before, but when that sound started to emerge from my mother, lying in her recliner, I knew what it was. The hospice nurse hadn’t believed me when I told her my mother’s intentions. “If people could choose when to go,” she told me, “my mother would have stayed … Continue reading Actively Dying
The fact that you can stand up and speak rationally about your emotions, that your left brain can report on what your right brain is feeling, does not mean that those emotions inside you are not real, powerful and crippling. The body keeps the score. I know that most counselors believe their job is … Continue reading Real, Real, Real, Real
To get through the effects of trauma, it is useful to go back to a time when you felt safe and loved in the world, a time when you were a shark, powerful and cared for. What happens, though, when you don’t have a memory of that time when people looked at you with adoration, … Continue reading Furious Structures
Obese women are much more likely to have endured sexual abuse, as noted in “The Body Keeps The Score” is Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. When these women are helped with weight, their underlying issues are exposed and their lives can get very difficult. Their size is a defence that keeps them from feeling vulnerable … Continue reading Solution Is The Problem
Every transperson has experienced moments when the ground seems to fall away beneath them, when they start to be swallowed up, dropping into hole which puts them below other people, a hole that feels difficult to climb out of. That hole shows up when we feel dismissed or marginalized or dehumanized or devalued, when someone … Continue reading Me & My Hole
The last few years have stripped away my momentum, the steely will that drove my service in the world. Being so deeply immersed in scarcity, my pellicle has been washed away, leaving me raw and exposed. In that process, the micro terrors I have held all my life came to the surface. My experience, from … Continue reading Micro Terrors
