Being trans means leaving the system of standardized desire. When people line up “boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl,” we no longer fit easily into that structure. Instead of fitting nicely into the paradigm of seeking — men seeking women, women seeking men, men seeking men, women seeking women — we are other. We demand … Continue reading Abstracted Love
“Who do you want to be when you grow up?” was the only diagnostic question the therapist knew to determine my gender identity back in the day. She knew that we create who we are in the world by making a kind of collage, taking behaviours, choices and attitudes from other people we see in … Continue reading Weak Aspirations
I always knew I wasn’t a straight gal. I knew myself to have a feminine heart, yes, but I also knew that my head didn’t turn, my heart didn’t race over the presence of hot guys. Back in the first days of the trans rush, the 1960s, having an orientation like mine would disqualify you … Continue reading Double Queer
In “Compared To What: The Improbable Journey Of Barney Frank,” there is much about the cost of being a closeted gay man in the world. “People wanted to be near him,” a friend says of his days in the Massachusetts house. “They would gather at his table and want to argue with him, and he … Continue reading Gone Off
Very early, I came to the realization that with my bones, I could never pass for having gone through puberty as a female. I was living with a born female woman who is 6′ 3″ and has size 13 feet when I first came out as trans, understanding how different her female-bodied experience was from … Continue reading Actualization Overload
“I absolutely hate speaking in front of people. It makes me want to cry for my mommy,” says Chef Vivian. There are things that I hate doing too. They don’t make me want to cry for my mommy, though, because I learned at a very, very young age that would only make things worse as … Continue reading Absolutely Hate
In my family, struggling was the norm. Discipline was required. Enjoyment was not really approved. While I worked hard to give my parents “one more good day,” their enjoyment was always bounded by their Aspergers. My sister recently sent me a video of goats balancing on a sheet steel arch. Her note was heartbreaking. “Ahh, … Continue reading Enjoy Yourself
I have been thinking about what I would say to a writer who feels compelled to add a transgender character to their story. Fictional characters are puppets of their author, limited to what the author knows, though as writers we often find we know more than we think when we channel another voice. In the … Continue reading Fictional Transgender
We have lousy strippers in this area, according to the owner of a new adult boutique who sells to them. They have little professionalism or ambition. They are the dregs of strippers. We have lousy strippers in the area because we have a lousy audience for strippers in the area. Girls find it hard to … Continue reading Terrain Of Desire
Passion is passion. There is a reason so many battles end in a kiss; the line between love and hate is much, much thinner than the line between love and politeness. Beyond the practical things, like helping with the chores and the budget, what does a woman want from a partner? Maybe it’s the three … Continue reading Passion F
Sometimes, not very often, but sometimes, I enjoy some rum in my Coke Zero, or maybe a glass of wine. When I do have a nice drink, the wall around my heart tends to soften. That’s when the Mary Chapin Carpenter songs come into my head. Sometimes, when I’m sad it will be “Too … Continue reading Shut Up And. . .
A question my mother would ask me often was “If you’re so smart, why aren’t you rich?” I’m smart, witty, have a great memory, integrate new information very quickly (learn wicked fast) and offer possible solutions that deliver a new viewpoint on shared problems. In other words, I’m not only fun to play with, I … Continue reading If You’re So Smart…
My mother wants me to go to the cheap dental clinic and have my teeth fixed. To her, that means rippped out and replaced by false ones. She doesn’t want me to go to be healthy or to avoid pain. She doesn’t want to look at my teeth. It’s the same as hiding the cracks … Continue reading Unsightly
You don’t have to be trans to be queer. You don’t have to be gay to be queer. All you have to be is yourself in a world of people who are trying to fit in. To be queer, you just have to honor the unique, the different, the powerful, the wild in yourself and … Continue reading The Path To Queer
“I love you, Boucha-Boucha!” “You do not really love me. You only think that you love me.” That’s one of the motifs of the little radio drama that plays from me here, the profession of love and the consequent rejection of it, always for good, smart and logical reasons. I know that it’s one of … Continue reading To Love Me
Today was the day that Annie Sprinkle performed at RPI, a place to meet interesting people, the day I had an appointment with Lezlie. It was the pinnacle, so to speak, and on the other side was packing up and putting myself away. Now today is the day I have the fever & sore throat and … Continue reading Downhill
My best present this holiday — well, besides the cool new MicroPlane Zester — is from someone who here goes under the cover of “Ms. Rachelle.” If I think of what I want for you what comes to mind is a line from a prayer found in the Reconstructionist Jewish prayerbook. The traditional poem is one of asking … Continue reading My Best Present
Callan 