Denial As Life

If you know that you can’t easily get what you want and need, you have two choices. You can suffer, always feeling hurt and deprived, using your own awareness of what you don’t have to justify whatever actions you take, even if they are grasping or vindictive. At one point in college, I was in … Continue reading Denial As Life

Heart On

Who is a woman without someone to love? I loved the people assigned to me, my birth family,  in ways that cost me dearly.   That love, though, was at the heart of my feminine nature. And now, I need someone else, something else to love.   This time, though, when I am choosing, I want one … Continue reading Heart On

Good Grief

My doctor is changing their patient portal, so it was suggested I download my charts for archiving.   One diagnosis in the list caught my eye. Grief. It’s on there because they know I directly cared for my parents in their last decade. I don’t think, though, my doctor understands how grief is part of the … Continue reading Good Grief

Impassioned

“It’s not the frivolity of women that makes them so intolerable. It’s their ghastly enthusiasm.” — Horace Rumpole, “Rumpole Of The Bailey” (John Mortimer) When you are a delightful gamine creature, enthusiasm is seen as a charming affectation. When you are a big, hulking lug, though, enthusiasm is seen as a terrifying potential lack of … Continue reading Impassioned

Happy

It has come to my attention that after a lifetime of living defended, in my head, I don’t really know what happy is anymore. I know what focused is, what professional is, what contemplative is, what smart is, all those things. Happy, though, well that has never been a place I know how to go. … Continue reading Happy