Make Art

What do we do with the parts of ourselves that we have been taught are too intense, too overwhelming, too queer to show in polite society?   Where do we put the aspects of our nature that people have told us are just too big to fit in, too strange to be acceptable, too risky to reveal?

Somehow, we have to suppress those bits, policing our choices to keep them hidden.   Creating a public face which attempts to edit facets that we were denied exploring means creating a jovial lie, an exterior polish that celebrates being inauthentic.

Flowing free and powerfully just isn’t possible when we have blocked our own nature, working to compartmentalize off drives, energy and Eros that doesn’t fit nicely into other’s expectations of who we should be and how we should act.

Over-policing our own choices means living a chopped up life, spending more of ourselves on denial and resistance than we do on creation and love.   When we self-police we almost always over police, avoiding possibilities just because they feel risky, even if they open possibilities beyond the conventional.   The rules only keep us from losing; it is discipline, audacity and boldness that helps us win.

Unlocking our own flow, releasing our own momentum is very difficult for people who have learned to hide their own light under a bushel because we have been told it is too queer.  When we suppress our own brilliance, we depress our own possibilities, losing the grace and power we were born with.

Who says “Yes!” to emergence, to intensity, to transcendence?   Where do you find support in releasing your capacities in a way that you can learn to manage, maximize and trust them?  If you just listen to naysayers, to people who fear their own wildness, it is easy to stay small and stuck, never boosting to the next level and the universe beyond that.

It is important for those of us who have done the work of transcending fear to stand and encourage people who are feeling trapped by their own compartmentalization, their own chopped up nature, their own intermittent fears.    Learning to trust in love demands supporters who can speak for transcendence, for the power of the inner journey, the blessings of precise integration, and the leap to emergent expression.

My own hermit life, based on aesthetic denial, is centred around focus, discipline and the renouncement of sensation, allowing me to not get tripped up by the demands of the ego for comfort & indulgence.

The limits of this life, of course, are the limits of any life without ego, where we serve but do not explode our own voice and insight in a way that others can see, can feel, can engage.   It is a dry cracker of a life, the power of thought and the passion of emotion conveyed only through disciplined presence.

Only those accustomed to making a meal out of desiccated ideas can find nourishment in my rich and dense writing.   My performance voice, though, is open and accessible, offering a taste of what is put-up in my texts.   Those who know my voice hear the humanity in my paragraphs, but those who have not yet got the flavour can’t imagine the sly wit and common poetry.

Performance is part of who I am, from my first stealing the scene in junior high to hosting a daily magazine format TV show.   The meta flash wit of being live is very much part of who I am, even if it only peeps through the stored bulk of my writing.

Showing that performance side, trusting it, has long seemed to be my calling, even if others who love performing find my analytical side off-putting and those who fear showing themselves find my self-exposure terrifying.   Still, if I have to choose where I would prefer to be in a crowded room, it is always on-stage, though not at the price of ego.

In meetings I learned to raise the bar towards expression, foolishness and brilliance, which allowed everyone else to loosen up and let out their own special brilliance.  From horrible jokes to ball tossing, play is play, taking the edge off to make reaching higher feel safer.

Performance requires performance.  I have written a lot about performance in the last twelve and a half years, but actual performing?  Plenty, but all in a kind of micro, concierge way, just flickers with tons of restraint.

What do we do with the parts of ourselves that we have been taught are too intense, too overwhelming, too queer to show in polite society?   Where do we put the aspects of our nature that people have told us are just too big to fit in, too strange to be acceptable, too risky to reveal?

We make art with them.    We create with that energy.

I have been creating with my writing for a long time now.   It’s good.

But there is more of me to share.   That fast performer, so quick on her feet that audience members feared that in her heels she would fall off the stage, but she never did, well, that gal needs to be let out.

That emergence cannot happen if I keep my heart suppressed for purposes of politeness and protection.   That messy, juicy woman has to be in the world, and I have to trust that my growth and learning will shine through, revealing the inner glow of truth and transcendence.

Who knows, maybe that revelation will attract people who can be present for me, can be partners, can offer a bit of loving engagement?   I mean, it could happen, could be the divine surprise that definitely will not occur if I stay hidden and suppressed.

I have a wealth, gifts from a deep and intense journey.   Returning those gifts is something I can work at doing, even if that process is too intense, too overwhelming, too queer for the comfort of many.

Maybe it is time to drop the barriers, flowing free and powerfully using the drives, energy and Eros that can create transcendence, attraction and connection.

Maybe it’s time to make new art.

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