It’s easy to look at the areas where you have lack in your life and wonder what you can do to change that.
After all, other people seem to have what you need. Why isn’t it working for you? How can you get what they have?
Maybe, you think, they know tricks that I don’t know. If I just try to be more like them, following the rules that they seem to be following, you can get what you want.
Sadly, this rarely seems to work for anyone. The only thing following the rules ever does is trying to avoid losing, making sure that we stay in the cohort. You can’t win by just following the rules.
When you aren’t getting enough back from the world, the only thing that you can possibly do is give more of yourself. The only way you get different results is to make different choices.
When you bring a new you, you get new responses, new rewards in the world.
This isn’t easy to do. There are many reasons we bring the us we bring to the world. We are an amalgam of our training, our habits, our desires, our fears and our essence, trying to balance fitting in and standing out.
Being part of the group is important to us and we fear being separated from them because they start seeing us as different and challenging, so we play along, living inside their expectations.
Why shouldn’t, we wonder, other people have to change? After all, it is their expectations and assumptions which constrain us. If they just changed their responses to our choices, things would be great!
There are large groups who will tell you that there is no way that they can ever be happy, satisfied, respected or successful until other people change. The suffering of one of us is the suffering of all of us, so as long as one person faces cruel prejudices, we are all doomed to oppression, pain and sadness.
We only have the power, though, to change our own choices. It is when we take responsibility for our own lives that we create new possibilities. These new pathways often offer enlightenment to others; if they can do it, why can’t I? Maybe the the ideas I hold are blocking me from achievement and they can be changed.
Flop sweat is never attractive. Needy is never compelling. Trying too hard to be something you are not only creates suspicion, not grace.
The only way to change the world is by changing our own choices. Demanding change never does; we must become the change we wish to see.
The reasons we hold for why we cannot change, why we must resist change, why change is impossible for us are the reasons why our choices don’t change, the reasons our results don’t change.
If you want more from the world, you have to give more to the world; more energy, more precision, more passion, more smarts, more of who you are.
Two thirds of help is giving courage. That courage is always about getting over our own pain and fears. It is the courage to be more present, more energetic, more creative, more flexible, more committed and more persistent, changing our old choices & habits, letting go of the comfortable to become new and better.
Being more you always has a cost. It means you are more exposed, more visible, more judged and often more resisted. Others want to keep you small so that you have no chance to outshine, outdo or challenge them. They want us to wait for their approval, to fear their displeasure, keeping us in line so we fit neatly into the requirements of those above us who want to use our efforts without facing resistance.
Becoming powerful is becoming aware of our own power, is learning to trust and rely on it. Our power, though, scares us. We fear it might be corrupt and crap, showing us as frauds. We fear that it might be slippery and intense, taking us away from the group. We fear that it will bring the spotlight upon us, revealing what we have tried to keep hidden even from ourselves.
Being powerful is being responsible. For people taught to locate responsibility in some external force, in people outside of us, our own shining, being seen, examined, assessed and judged is just terrifying. Risking being wrong, getting egg on our face is scary, but as any child can show you, trying again and again until you get better at it is the only way to achieve, to gain mastery.
How can we get more of what we want and need, though, without sticking our head up, without taking responsibility for better? Until we show the world how exceptional, talented and committed we are, how can others see and value us, wanting more of what we have to offer in their lives?
When we live beyond habits and assumptions we have to live in the moment, letting go of the search for simple rules and easy answers to be present, aware, and open. Working the process, seeing connections, possibilities beyond the expected takes the magic we can offer, the spark of being more ourself.
None of these ideas are new, but they are the ideas we need to open ourselves to time and time again to begin to trust. The notion that we can get what we need by living in others expectations is so compelling that we resist the obligation to be exposed, preferring to polish our mask, striving to show only what we know to be acceptable and valued.
It is very hard to find people who will stand with you when you have the need to leap, to stand up in the spotlight, showing the big, beautiful best you can offer. We rarely find those who will fight to bring out the best in us, holding high expectations that we can move beyond our fears and reveal ourselves as brilliant.
The gift we give others is believing in their jewels, even when those jewels are still buried in the shit of a conventional human life. By trusting in others, we trust in ourselves, becoming more confident of our own unique excellence.
I know that for myself, if I want more of anything, I have to be willing to be more exposed to get it. Trusting that support networks will help get over the bumps would empower me to show myself more, allowing others to see not just my words but also my wit and spark.
In my life, though, the resistance I have had to battle, between my family and a society mired in heterosexist binaries, has already come at quite a cost. I still am out there, though, looking for specific venues, sharing myself with over 1.3 million words on this blog, and being open to engagement.
If you want and need more for yourself, you need to be more of yourself, polishing your own unique gifts and letting them shine in the world. I have been blessed to receive what others have to offer when they are most powerfully themselves, seeing that it is in their exceptional nature their connection to the universe and deepest power lie.
Showing yourself is scary, yes.
But is there any other way to get your unique brilliance into the world, any other way to let people see, value and return the best parts of you?