The Flux Capacitor, as everyone knows, is a place where three energy streams collide.
It’s not one or even two of those streams that make moving beyond the laws of physics as we know them possible. It is the collision of three of those streams, all seemingly contradictory, which creates the power.
I am a smart, sensible person, understanding the appropriate thing to do, the service needed in the world.
I am a deeply theological person, seeing connections in a pre-verbal way, as his father said of Nils Bohr.
I am an enormously emotional person, feeling the pull of the feminine in everything I do.
It’s not one or the other of those energies that drive me, it has always been the collision of all three. I feel, I see and I understand in parts, all coming together to make whatever the hell I understand as me.
I get why people prefer one of those parts over another, but I can’t imagine being myself without all three coming together. I exist in the flux.
How the hell do I explain this to people who live in one dimension or the other?
“Why can’t you just hold on to this part?” they ask me, sure that their offered solution would save me. “If you could just come from mature service or wise theology or emotional intensity, well, then you wouldn’t have this kind of crazy, bullshit drama!”
If I can tell them the three vectors, well then, why can’t I own those vectors? Why do I get stuck in the flux?
I get stuck there because that’s where I live, that’s the way I see the world, that is the essence of the joke I have been trying to tell for so damn long.
The flux is me and I am the flux. I am not stuck between man and woman, I live between ego, super-ego and id, between social grace, deep wisdom and human emotion. Welcome to the monkey house.
You want one view or the other? Fine, I can tell you in detail.
You want me to live in one view or the other? I have no fucking idea how to do that, no idea how to compartmentalize me down without losing the beautiful soul my creator gave to me.
I am observing, participating and transcending in every moment. That makes me stupid, intense and wise all at the same damn time as I fail to do the proper thing, get swept away by feeling and have theological vision simultaneously.
Do I understand why most people don’t get the joke? Why, yes, yes I do. Does that make me feel any better, any less lonely? No, no it doesn’t.
I thank my mother in the sky for her precious gifts at the same time I curse her for what she doomed me to at the same time I understand that’s just what humans have to face.
What a pain in the ass I must be to people who want to care about me! What an amazing gift I must me to people who care about me! What a challenge I must be to myself! Buzzt, sparks and sizzle, me living between!
I’m sorry, you are welcome, I understand what the sensible thing is for people like me.
Emotions, sensibility and understanding all bash together, a tripartite flux.
And I have to try, try, try to live there.
Callan 