Tripartite Flux

The Flux Capacitor, as everyone knows, is a place where three energy streams collide.

It’s not one or even two of those streams that make moving beyond the laws of physics as we know them possible.   It is the collision of three of those streams, all seemingly contradictory, which creates the power.

I am a smart, sensible person, understanding the appropriate thing to do, the service needed in the world.

I am a deeply theological person, seeing connections in a pre-verbal way, as his father said of Nils Bohr.

I am an enormously emotional person, feeling the pull of the feminine in everything I do.

It’s not one or the other of those energies that drive me, it has always been the collision of all three.  I feel, I see and I understand in parts, all coming together to make whatever the hell I understand as me.

I get why people prefer one of those parts over another, but I can’t imagine being myself without all three coming together.   I exist in the flux.

How the hell do I explain this to people who live in one dimension or the other?

“Why can’t you just hold on to this part?” they ask me, sure that their offered solution would save me.   “If you could just come from mature service or wise theology or emotional intensity, well, then you wouldn’t have this kind of crazy, bullshit drama!”

If I can tell them the three vectors, well then, why can’t I own those vectors?   Why do I get stuck in the flux?

I get stuck there because that’s where I live, that’s the way I see the world, that is the essence of the joke I have been trying to tell for so damn long.

The flux is me and I am the flux.   I am not stuck between man and woman, I live between ego, super-ego and id, between social grace, deep wisdom and human emotion.  Welcome to the monkey house.

You want one view or the other?  Fine, I can tell you in detail.

You want me to live in one view or the other?   I have no fucking idea how to do that, no idea how to compartmentalize me down without losing the beautiful soul my creator gave to me.

I am observing, participating and transcending in every moment.   That makes me stupid, intense and wise all at the same damn time as I fail to do the proper thing, get swept away by feeling and have theological vision simultaneously.

Do I understand why most people don’t get the joke?   Why, yes, yes I do.  Does that make me feel any better, any less lonely?   No, no it doesn’t.

I thank my mother in the sky for her precious gifts at the same time I curse her for what she doomed me to at the same time I understand that’s just what humans have to face.

What a pain in the ass I must be to people who want to care about me!   What an amazing gift I must me to people who care about me!   What a challenge I must be to myself!   Buzzt, sparks and sizzle, me living between!

I’m sorry, you are welcome, I understand what the sensible thing is for people like me.

Emotions, sensibility and understanding all bash together, a tripartite flux.

And I have to try, try, try to live there.

Take The Abuse

Just had a fender bender in the Walmart parking lot.   I was backing out of a parking space just a few down from a four way stop, and a young woman of color took a left at the stop sign and was right behind my car as I backed out.

She was in my blind spot, over my left shoulder, where I had no mirror coverage or anything.   Being a new driver she wasn’t primed to wait for cars coming out of spaces, doesn’t own grace or courtesy.

To her, I ZOOMED out of the space.   ZOOMED, ZOOMED, she told me many, many times.

She got to be all distressed and angry, while I got to be the mature, sensible man who has no recourse.  I was in her face for a few seconds to see if she would get the mirroring, but all I got for that was a guy in a tricked out old Chevy truck threatening to knock me out because he is triggered when a man gets in a woman’s face.

I got a non-ending stream of abuse in the frigid weather from a young driver who, while she had right of way, came around what the trooper called a “bad corner” without any awareness of the situation.   She got to pound, I got to fall back.

My obligation was simple: toughen up and take it like a man.  I did that.

And the price for that, well, it’s high.  Very damn high.

This does bring things to the fore, forces the issue.  My mother in the sky, well she tends to do that, even if it feels like crap.

I may survive.  But damn, damn, damn, it hurts.