As a writer, you write for a purpose. You create texts that try and convey meaning through the limits of language. You use a set of symbols to construct something that shares something ephemeral, just in your mind or your feelings.
Is there a reason why your trans expression is any different? Aren’t you just using the symbols of gender in the world to try to convey some inner meaning, some deeper knowledge or truth about yourself in the world? (1999)
When people write about their trans experience, I usually find a great lack of definition. What is gender? What is a woman? What is authentic? The answer to all three are usually “what I feel,” which isn’t very useful in creating a shared context and understanding. There are much better and more considered answers.
Since I came out in the mid 1980s, the notion that trans expression symbolizes some kind of real meaning has been very controversial. I remember conversing with Helen Boyd and talking about the “tells” that I saw crossdressers do, trying to hold on, and she loved the idea, putting it on her forums. The participants viciously attacked the idea, asserting “realness,” even if they only wore women’s clothes once a month.
I believe that you want to show something about yourself in your carefully crafted feminine expression. And I know that in a world where the platonic ideal is to be able to insist that others use your preferred pronoun to refer to you, however they experience you, this seems quaint, retro, reactionary, submissive and politically regressive. Trans is about demand, to them, not about crafted, considered and cohesive expression. The need to show yourself in a way where others can evaluate your choices rather than just your assertions is oppression pure and simple.
To me, the term “woman” has clear meanings about gender role experience. It’s not just about dressing as a woman, it is about identifying as a woman, being immersed in the shared culture of women, experiencing the social pressure that women do and more. This is why I can have reservations about seeing crossdressers call themselves women while remaining men in dresses, even if I know that they are only using that word to say they have stepped away from manhood. “I was man, I was not man, I was woman, I am not woman,” as Kate Bornstein said, and as I understand.
I do believe, however, that you are working hard to show your feminine, tender, trans heart through your expression of carefully selected, polished and nuanced choices of expression. Rather than just asserting something, you are working to embody it, to manifest your feminine truth in the world.
That is a powerful thing. Personally, I have no trouble identifying as male bodied, as we can’t change sex, but I get upset when people identify me as a man. My biology is my biology, but I worked damn hard to claim my own gender truth, to stand connected with other women.
Having someone read the expression you created, the one that exposes your truth to the world, and get the message is powerful. They don’t reduce you to your biology not because you demanded they not, but rather because you revealed something powerful.
Is trans about concealment of our biology (passing as being born female), about asserting our politics, or about telling the truth of our heart?
You work hard to tell the truth and get the feedback that your message is received.
It’s like writing a gender.