Once you get to the point where the goal is to not smell too much like urine, you have lost it. Most people, well, they just don’t want to smell of urine at all, so when you have to start making subjective judgements about just how much urine odor is too much, is enough to trigger a shower and a change of clothes, well, the corner has been turned.
First, smelling a little bit like urine is something you can tolerate. That makes sense, you think, because well, as you get older, there are inevitable drips and losses, and a faint whiff is just going to happen now and then.
The problem comes when you start having to decide just how much of the urine scent is too much. Is it worth going through the hassle of a shower when you smell somewhat like urine? Probably not, because, heck, you aren’t leaving the place and no one is coming to see you.
No you can wait another day until you really smell of urine, because, it’s not really bothering anyone, and heck, you are going to have to do a laundry once you change clothes anyway because you only have so many pairs of the fleece pants to stay warm in the place.
It might feel good to be clean, and you can even remember when you took a shower every morning, putting on fresh clothes, but that was a very long time ago now, in a whole ‘nother age.
No, now, it’s just not worth the effort. Even if you do go out, it’s not like anyone is going to treat you differently, is going to want to engage you in any kind of meaningful conversation. They will just mumble and smile and you will move on. If they sense you as a bit aged, weak and incontinent, they may even have a bit of sympathy for you.
When there are no relationships that are worth caring about then very little else is worth caring about.
I made my own birthday dinner this year. The tradition was always to use up the outdated corned beef marked down well after St Patrick’s day, six months before, to make a simple boiled dinner. This year, I even went to a bakery and bought myself a cake.
My sister did happen to come by, so I gave her some, but she was expecting to try and take me out sometime, like we did to get the cold and clotted free burger in a past year.
Today, I pulled out the tree and put the Christmas lights on it, which I haven’t done for the past two years, just as a kind of scraping attempt at hope. I found myself knocked out very quickly, aching and breathing funny, needing to stop.
That’s typical whenever I try to do anything around here. I did wonder if it was physical weakness, but when I was taken down to help clean out the apartment of my sister’s friend, I worked hard for two days straight without such easy exhaustion and discomfort.
You could say it is in my head, but I think no, it’s in my heart. What’s the point, where is this going, what is really going to change? Sure, I smell like urine, but both my parents always smelled like urine and I was there to wash their urine soaked towels and by the end, even clear the bags on the foley.
I don’t smell too much like urine, though, and even if I did, well, getting cleaned up won’t really change anything, will it?
My sister kind of wants some medication to help me get back to caring. I kind of want someone to give a shit about what I share, to engage it and mirror me.
You fight, you get old, you smell like piss.
All just part of the inevitable, really.