You need people to see your heart, to feel your heart, to connect with your heart. It's easy for them to see your big smarts, and yes, it's easy for them to see that big body of yours, old and shaped as it is. It's not easy, though, for them to see beyond those big things to your heart, the one that is so full of love, compassion and wit. I know why people sometimes see you as a porcupine, bristling, challenging and best avoided and put aside. They sense your struggle and your pain, always difficult for you, so strong as to be overwhelming for others. I also know your kindness and engagement, how you can be caring in ways that feel very, very kind and present. You have the power of making someone feel seen, valued and encouraged. You need that kind of kindness and engagement for yourself, I understand. It isn't easy to find and to give to someone who already knows so well how to take care of themselves, who has faced down the kind of challenges you have, gaining great tools and deep knowledge. It would be great if you could pick someone out to give you what you need, only having to show yourself to them. That would be wonderful. The people who you need to be there for you aren't easy to find. They are as special, as brilliant and as rare as you are. Most people can't see the power, blessings and tenderness in you. If you want to find the people you need, you have to be visible in the world. You have to put yourself out there in a way that feels unsafe and uncomfortable, a way that is challenging, a way that bets what reserves you have left with the belief that shining will pay off for you. Experiencing scarcity has been core to you, with parents, with the time since they have passed, with your whole life. You learned very early to stay alone and protected, learned that not everyone was going to get the joke. I believe, though, that there are rewards in the world for you. To get them, though, you can't play small, can't stay hidden, can't worry about upsetting people, as you had to do so many years with parents. You can't just wait until you see the right person, you have to be visible so the right people will see you. If you were younger, less worn, and more enthusiastic this all would seem easier, as you could rebound quicker from the everyday knocks you are sure to get. You earned your tiredness elegantly, really using up your reserves to do the right thing. I just can't imagine that there is any way out without finding a way to put yourself out there, even at a high cost. This is all about risk/reward. I know how big the risk is; do you have the capacity to keep getting hammered. I just really, really, really believe that the rewards are out there for you, not just people who want to put you on a pedestal and have you heal them, wearing you down, but also a few wonderful people who will meet you where you are, sharing healing and care in a symbiotic and healthy relationship. You have much to give, yes, but you also have much to get in the world. You need people to see your heart, to feel your heart, to connect with your heart. You have found those people few and far between. So you have learned to conserve yourself, living on rations to face the scarcity you feel around you. The people you seek are also in the shadows, waiting until they see your light to come out and share what they have to offer. They understand what is like to be an outsider, understand the experience of observing the world, of seeing patterns, processes, stories and beauty. They won't come out unless someone lights the way. Maybe that someone should be you. You have never really had anyone to follow, never really had a simple path laid out for you. Instead, you have broken ground, explored, found a new path. All that experience shows, not just on your body and mind, but on the way you have unfolded your own heart. While I know everyone can't see that, can't affirm that, can't be there for you, even the people who can can't be there until you show them who and where you are. Taking the bold move and letting people see you is the way into a better future for you, and even a little bit for the world. I know that you have to make some big leaps to start a new chapter in your life, one that leaves behind scarcity and embraces abundance. It demands risk and guarantees taking the kind of shit that will irritate you, as sensitive and tender as you are. The old hurts will be hit again and you will have to push through those pains which are so woven into your experience. You will have to engage the price of denial, of not taking care of what was important, of allowing bits to break as you served others and stayed small. That cost you dearly and still costs you, I know, as there is no way to not have suffered that damage. But I also know, as well as I can know anything that the time is different now and those leaps will pay off in a way that they haven't before. Your being out will bring rewards. I also know that no matter how dried up you feel, you are a strong person, with endurance and abilities that are still untapped. I have watched you use those resources to serve the family, using them to keep yourself small and serving the lives of those you love. As you use those resources to serve the world, using them to manifest your big brain and enormous heart, people will see the work you have done and some of them will even see you, finding a way to be present in a loving way. You have lived with a scarcity mindset so long that your dreams are flattened. You didn't have the attention, the mirroring or the resources to go for a bigger life, don't really believe that better is really available for you, don't really believe others will say "yes" to your heart. To me, this that flattening makes me sad. I have seen the sparks in you, the caring in you, the smarts in you, and even, sometimes, the beauty in you. You are so much more vital when you are full, whole and sparkling. Beyond the breaks, beyond the wear, beyond the scars, beyond the burned, toasty dryness, abundance is still there and possible for you. You can show your energy, your smarts, your tenderness and have it rewarded and valued, even have it seen and held with grace by others. Pushing past all the loss you have endured, past the suffering that has lead you to cut yourself down and hold onto scarcity is the only way to get the life and love that you not only need, but that you deserve, that you really, really, really deserve. You have given so much, for so long. You spoke for our parents. But who will speak for you? Where are you in the world? I believe that the world is there for you if only you can step beyond the scarcity that has dried you out and can claim the abundance that should be your inheritance. You have so, so much to give, so much to delight people, so much to share with the world. Letting that out, boldly and beautifully, with faith in your own gifts and possibilities, is just a good thing. You need a new chapter in your life. You need to cross over and engage the world, even if that world is going to hurt you some, going to open old wounds and demand more than you think you have left to endure. Scarcity is not serving you. And its obvious outcome is a denial of all the magical gifts I know are inside you. Abundance can be there for you. Out of the basement, out of the cul-de-sac, out of the county, out into a world that needs what you have to offer. Show yourself, bold and beautiful, beyond your crushing experience, and I know that somewhere, someone will see the magic. You need people to see your heart, to feel your heart, to connect with your heart. People need to see your heart, to feel your heart, to connect with your heart too. But they cannot do that unless you reveal that big, brilliant, beautiful heart. Abundance is available to you. I believe that because I have to believe that, have to believe that something bigger, better and prettier is there for someone as strong, as smart and as beautiful as you are. Take the hits, take the risk, take the path to bold visibility. Believe that beyond the pain lies abundance. Believe that when you open to the world, the world will open to you. You need people to see your heart, to feel your heart, to connect with your heart. That's what I really want for you too.