Out Of Your Head

I have been reading blurbs for a course that promises to empower women by helping them engage the energy of the feminine.

I have to admit that it looks appealing to me, because I know that is exactly what I need, that kind of shared celebration and affirmation of the feminine.

It is, of course, what so many women need.  They need to trust their instincts, their flow, their wiggle, their intensity, their playfulness, their sparks.

The key to this process, from what I can glean from the materials, is to have women get out of their heads.     We need to stop using the masculine playbook, need to stop inhibiting our own magic, the sizzle that women have always brought to relationships, to families, to work, to communities to the world.

Getting out of my head in a space where the feminine is celebrated and affirmed rather than shamed and stunted sounds great to me.

The problem, though, is the process.   The technique for getting out of the head is to focus on inhabiting, revelling in and trusting the female body.   It seems to peel back the experience of those raised as women in this culture to the time when they learned that their lust, their sparkle, their power had to be seen as shameful, had to be controlled and restricted by the head.

The process of getting out of the head is transformed into one that is about getting into the body.

While I am sure that works well for most women, as a transwoman, my body has never been the source of my salvation.  I may hold the potency of the feminine, but it is not because of the shape of my hips or the details of my plumbing.

Instead, I know that source to be my Eros, that divine desire which I characterize as living in the heart.   It is unlocking the feminine heart that makes magic, trusting and beating with it, rather than trying to live in a socially programmed, control freak head.

Eros is terrifying, though.   It’s so much easier to ask people to trust their body than to trust their Erotic connection to the universe.   The body is limited, manageable, comprehensible, easy to justify.

The Erotic is beyond, intense, and potent, leading us to crazy things like transgender expression, where we know, know, know that our heart needs to trump the expectations placed on our body for us to be liberated and powerful.

I suspect that in the end, the course is about the liberation of Eros, but I also suspect that the language and techniques for doing that are centred around the language and traditions of the body.    That seems a tough place for me, as tough as the guided meditation of freedom one workshop did where they wanted everyone to open their eyes to a mirror and see who the really are.   I figured out the trick and refused, just so I wouldn’t have to throw the mirror smashing at the wall.

I need to get out of my head.  I need to have my own feminine spirit and choices reflected and affirmed in a space where smart women are working hard to get out of their mind and into their femininity.

I just don’t need to be told to trust my body when it is my Eros, my huge femme heart that has to lead me.

A huge challenge of trans lives is the obligation to emerge alone, to be denied adolescence of the heart and then having to struggle against stigma and convention to claim our own deep truth and our own transcendent, fluid power.   I crave the support of others who want to stand for this magic.

I will never really be female bodied, at least not in this lifetime.   That truth defines me and my experience.

My feminine imperative is in my Eros.  That is the energy I need to trust, getting out of my head and into my heart.

May all the graduates of this course get out of their head and find their erotic power, even if it makes them feel more comfortable seeing that as the power of their body.

And may somehow, I find a way to get out of my head too.

 (I did send this to the people running the course and they sweetly told me that I was bright, courageous and not welcome in the course anyway, as it is for real women, not people like me.)