Noisy Burble

When I get excited, my thinking and feeling come fast, sparking all over the place in a noisy burble of emotions and ideas.  I have a fuzzy jazz that needs to be turned from diffuse energy into sinuous motion.

This happens for many women, I know, and the traditional way to handle it is simple: you find a friend and burble to her.

In the process of talking it out, you get to bring that internal energy into the world where it can be seen and assessed.  You aren’t looking for solutions, you are looking to get hold of what is inside in a way that is manageable.

A good friend acts as a rectifier, helping to clean the signal.   Noise comes out all jagged and mixed and zappy, and then is filtered through the process of sharing it into more elegant waves, the interference taken out and the power focused.

When I share my noisy burble, I don’t just want to take away the energy, just dumping it to ground.   Throwing cold water on someone may be easy, but it only suppresses energy rather than using it.  Sure, we want the noise cleared up, but not at the cost of losing the excitement and force that comes with it.

Hearing “yes” is so important to this process, because what you focus on you get more of.   A good friend has a sense of what to encourage, letting the less effective bits drop away.    Shaping the power is vital: rather than be all over the place, or going down side alleys, how do we find the hot, the possible, the nourishing and then stay on that frequency?

Helping clean up the noisy burble of our friends is at the centre of any feminine relationship.   The closer a friend is the more she knows of our inner burbling and the faster and more effective she can be at helping us find breath and focus.

Our friends have to understand to help, which is why moms can help daughters, having been one, but why daughters can’t really enter mom’s noisy burble.   If the terrain is too different, if we haven’t done the work, we just don’t have the internal maps to help.

I’m good at cutting through the burble to find focus, asking the key questions and understanding the context.  I am good at it specifically because as a long lost tranny, I didn’t have any girlfriends, so had to learn to do that rectifying work by myself.

Emotion and energy weren’t something that my parents mastered, heir own Aspergers style minds circling their own worlds.   And I was never, ever allowed to be one of the girls, to be held in the network of sharing and growing together.

That noisy burble was hard to deal with.  In high school, I even wrote a poem “Is There Drano For The Brain?”   Since no one was going to help, I used the gift of a big brain to take that energy and make sense of it, leading me to writing that clarified the noise, but that also grounded it out, discharging desire and excitement into a rational matrix.

Today, after years of concierge mode, serving others, I am struggling to find a way to clarify that burble, putting it in context, without having to take away the delight and desire that energizes it.    This is a tough change because I still don’t have the kind of network that says “yes,” both cleaning and encouraging an intense and beautiful flow of energy.    I can’t just do the gal technique of passing the burble between friends who can both clarify and hold that energy, taking the rumble out and feeding it back when we need it.

Learning to take the moderate path with my own noisy burble, organizing it without grounding out all the excitement is hard for me to do on my own.    I need to modulate and moderate the energy without taking too much away, without playing too small, without being too safe.

I know how women have learned to share their noisy burble with each other, harmonize it and learn to keep both the focus and the energy.   That balance is always in flux, of course, so girlfriends are there to help you get it back, bringing context to calm and enthusiasm to energize whenever needed.

Like so much, though, I understand the concepts without having deep experience and mastery of the everyday sharing.   I know how to engage the noisy burble of others, but finding someone to help with my own deep, smart, theological, trans, post-therapy noisy burble is a very difficult task.

The noisy burble of a feminine soul is an incredibly precious and valuable resource.  Women have learned to help each other use it well to create a better community by sharing, cleaning and encouraging.   We come together to become larger than ourselves, networks of smarts and energy that are larger and more powerful than the sum of their parts.

Finding ways for transwomen to join in this sharing, ways for me to not just understand but also to delight in my own noisy burble, are vital to expanding, extending and empowering community.

And they are vital to empowering me.

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