Praying For Coal

I really hope that I get some coal in my stocking this year.

What I need in my life is more warmth for my soul.  Without that, it’s difficult to have any hot desires for something new and sparkly.

Learning to be of service, to let go of habits of control and immediate gratification, are good and powerful practises.

Doing that, though, erodes any façade, removes any mask, cuts away any pretense.   You learn to focus on the deep stuff, not on the expectations, the assumed entitlement, the privilege.

From a very early age I learned to negotiate without conventional social contact, learned to take care of my parents rather than have them take care of me.  I was never an extrovert, never one of the gang.  That pattern did nothing but continue.

Do you tell people that you are different right away, letting those who can’t or won’t handle it drop away fast, or do you pretend to be smaller than you are so they aren’t scared off and can get to know you over time, then only dropping away later?

After you have done the loss work, the second option falls away too.   It’s impossible to just play dumb and sweet, if it ever was.

“I’ve known you for over 20 years,” TBB said to me today.  “I know that you are who you are.”   That meant a great deal to me.

I try and search for warmth, but get minimal results.  For example,  I went to a holiday screening party tonight but there was no party, so I just ended up leaving.  The $5 went to better use on clearance groceries.   It reminds me why I stopped pushing myself out there,  not paying the price to just find more chill.

I am cholled to the bone, like one of those children whose heartbeat and respiration slow to a crawl after falling into an icy lake.   The hypothermia sets into my joints, freezing the motion out of them and putting my emotional well being into slow motion.  I know that I have always lived a chilled life, away from the warmth of emotional connection, subsisting on cold reason and wit, but now, without people who know me and will fight with me, the frigid feels unstoppable.

We get what we give.   I know that I have never had the emotional chops to attract emotional people, know that my analytical thought feels to them like a cold wind which steals their life force.   Learning how to share hot and cold is something that usually only happens in cartoon fantasies, not in real life.

I may hope for coal in my stocking, but I am aware that the odds are it will be empty again.  Trust me, being forgotten by Santa is always worse than being given the permission to be naughty.

It doesn’t look like things are going to get any warmer around here, nor do I have any tricks left that I haven’t tried to warm things up.  My defence was learning to be chill, but too chill is just frostbitten.

May you have some warmth wherever you are in this dark season.   It is something to be grateful for.

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