Sometimes I think of myself as a columnist, someone telling stories and calling attention to bits of life that tend to slip by in nice, compact packages.
Sometimes, I wonder if I might be a preacher, throwing out sermons, offering a worldview that helps people be more conscious of their everyday choices in a bigger context, thumping the drum and offering a path.
Sometimes I wonder if I might be a businesswoman, using the techniques of marketing to create organizations that help people come together to create shared products and services which add value to the community.
In vino vertas, it is said, and I have always known what comes up when I drink too much. I don’t tend to brawl or flirt, don’t tend to dance or get bolder. No, when I drink, I tend to get more pedantic. I tell stories, make connections, explain how I see the world as a network, lots of threads bound together, where truth and energy jump between nodes to make a vibrant interplay of life force.
I love embodying people and ideas in a way that concentrate them, in a way that lets us see them in a new, connected way, revealing how another perspective can take us deeper, can help us see the world more clearly, can help us see our own choices in a context away from the mundane.
My model of religion looks at the axis between preachy preachers, those who tell you a constructed idea how the world should be, who tell you the difference between good & bad, between the holy & the profane, and teachy preachers, who ask you to look for organic connections in the world, reflecting on how these connections are revealed in you, how you can become more clear, integrated, actualized and righteous when your choices reflect a broader view, a cosmic view, a divine view.
Preachy preachers seek to venerate group identity and create organization structures, while teachy preachers seek to help clarify individual identity and facilitate personal clarification and personal responsibility.
I suspect that I am, at the core, a teacher, Miss Callan as the lovely Erin called me, someone who wants to take you on a journey that expands your horizons and develops your mind so that you can move farther on your own. I am thrilled when others come back and share what they have discovered, how they have expanded their own mind in a way that informs and delights the rest of us.
The healing that I offer is the healing of education, of growing beyond your current vision to see how you are as connected and potent in the world as your own choices. My goal is always to enlighten, turning the dim into the brilliant, a guru offering light to those who are seeking for it.
My satisfaction is to see and clarify, while my desire is always to be seen and affirmed, to become more grounded in light of others. For me, the erotic is the intimate, probing deeper to increase the flow between hearts, minds, creative spirits and bodies, feeling the external slip away to create more intense and more pure connection. I want to move beyond the cheap Eros of quick sensation to the deep Eros of transformation, passing sparks between us in a way that magnifies and sanctifies connection.
In the end, each human has the requirement to become a teacher, a responsibility to consolidate and own their own gifts by passing those gifts on to those who need them. We take the knowledge we have received & integrated and offer it to others, becoming mature as we help others grow beyond their own current limits by seeing new and more sophisticated choices.
My own pedantry isn’t a distraction from the present, rather it is a call to help hone understanding and skills so that we can be better in the next choice that we make. It isn’t quest for perfection, rather it is a quest towards perfection, striving for excellence by achieving more mastery over our own creation.
Transpeople are faced with the challenge to create themselves again and again, past convention and expectation. For the last twenty years I have understood myself to be the grad course, obtuse and arcane until you are ready to go beyond the standard curriculum to your own journey of ownership.
I love learning. To me, the details are where the magic is, so diving deeper is always the way to going broader. Connection doesn’t exist at the theoretical, arm-waving level, rather it exists in the very humanity of our lives where the fundamental lives in the root structure which connects all. To me, we are merely the fruiting bodies of a much larger system which includes humans come before and after us, humans across the globe.
Today, pedant is mostly seen as an insult, referring to someone who is annoyingly focused on detail and knowledge. Just one more slur to reclaim, one more challenge to own, one more cross to carry. Nothing new to me there.
Am I a challenging pedant? So I am. So be it. So what?
It’s just so me.