I have proven that, when required, I can suck it up.
Ten years full time taking care of my parents? Oh, yeah, I can suck it up, burn everything, do the self-denial, toughen up, show the discipline, make it happen, keep plugging, come through. I have that skill.
I know how to go into my head, figure out the right thing and then do it.
But trusting my heart? Being happy? Indulging my own art? Letting loose and dancing?
Not so much.
Is there a way to blend my own self-expression and my own capacity for heads-down work? Is there a method to being both blissful and driven?
My life has split service and expression for so long that they feel alien to one another, like two separate modes of life.
I know how to suck it up. I know how to transcend.
I don’t know how to integrate those expressions.