It’s Fine

It’s fine,
I said to her
if you want to be bitter
that you were slammed into the closet.

It’s fine,
I said to her
if you want to be angry
that you were pounded into self denial.

It’s fine,
I said to her
if you want to be shattered
that you were denied your own childhood.

It’s fine,
I said to her
if you want to be desolate
that you were shamed into self loathing.

It’s fine,
I said to her
if you want to be outraged
that others like you are still slammed every day.

It’s fine,
I said to her
if you want to be broken hearted
that people think they have the right to laugh at you.

It’s fine,
I said to her
if you feel hurt
that others know they have the right to call you pervert or freak.

It’s fine,
I said to her
if you want to be distraught
that others do not hear you, choose not to enter your space.

It’s fine,
I said to her
if you want to be furious
that your trans nature gets you assaulted and abused by others.

What’s not fine, though
I said to her
is if you feel that being
bitter, angry, shattered, desolate, outraged, broken hearted, distraught or furious
is something you should be ashamed about.

What’s not fine, though
I said to her
is tormenting yourself about your feelings
just because you can’t transcend them.

What’s not fine, though
I said to her
is reaching out to slap others
who reflect your own fear and defences

What’s not fine, though
I said to her
is acting out on your pain
even if you hold it close.

I know this,
I said to her
because I know the cost
a lifetime of trying
to squeeze myself into the spaces
between people’s assumptions.

I know this,
I said to her
because I am always
pincered in the shifting and shrinking cracks
where they just cannot see me.

I know this,
I said to her
because of a life
tucked into crevices
hidden behind conventional reality,

I know this,
I said to her
because my heart was
pushed into the cavities
beyond any expectations of light or love.

I know this,
I said to her
Because I have become
lost in the folds of the normative
living a denied life,
my heart invisible as
people have no awareness
of seeing someone like me.

I know this
I said to her
knowing that it is impossible for people to value you
if your nature is invisible
if the scars on your heart are unseeable
if the price you paid is unimaginable to them.

I know this
I said to her
know that it is impossible for people to value you
if the only bit of you they can see
is the bit that protrudes into their world
is the slice they can judge through their own fears
is the sliver that they decide is real.

I know this
I said to her
because I lost my own love
in those cold, dark, frozen places behind normal
in those lonely, lost broken places behind understanding
in those painful, poisoned places behind lovable
where I was taught to hate the parts of me
that others saw as funny, freaky, fearful parts
beyond the pale of comfort and affirmation.

I know this
I said to her
because I learned to be the person
who uses their brain and their grace
to rise above the slaughtered life.

I know this
I said to her
because I learned to
to show the acceptable,
show the service and the smarts
show the insight and the empathy
show the vision and the value
that people could see
while all the while I was
oozing inside where my heart is tattered
from the scalpels of their limits
severing my queer and present beauty.

Your feelings are your feelings
I said to her
as real as any other human experience of this world
and you get to have them
no matter how much they are poisoned to destroy you.

You get to be
bitter, angry, shattered, desolate, outraged, broken hearted, distraught or furious
yes, just like I am everyday,
living in a world where there isn’t space for me
living in a world where my nature is
either invisible & marginalized
or despised & taunted,
where even those who are curious
only care how it amuses them.

The obligation to transcend your own feelings
is no obligation at all
the struggle to connect and
the struggle to stand proud
pull humans at the seams
extracting truth from comfort.

It’s fine
I said to her
to be ripped apart
for ripping the nature out of you
was what they intended.

But it’s not fine
I said to her
to rip others apart
to rip yourself apart
punishing yourself
wailing in bleak and keening grief
over losses of life
over losses of control
over losses of dignity
over losses of self.

It’s fine,
I said to her to be broken
it’s just not fine to break others
or to abuse yourself
even if others still feel free to
abuse you
everyday

 

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