Over Your Own Damn Self

It’s amazing how much getting over your own damn self can contribute to your happiness.

And it’s even more amazing how incredibly difficult getting over your own damn self is.

We know how we have been hurt in the past.   We know how people have scared us into behaving the way they want with threats and warnings.   We know how we have tried and failed.   We know where it still hurts to be touched, know where we have scars and wounds, know where we have learned to protect ourselves.

We know how bad and evil the world can be.  We know all the stories about monsters and manipulation, stories that stir the fear in us.   We know the arguments made by ogres about why being anything less than fully defended is just stupid.   We know the map of all the pitfalls others have pointed out to us, know how they have worked to burst our balloons as just naive and silly notions.

We know how we have been taunted, mocked, ostracized and humiliated when we tried to do something that made the group uncomfortable.   We know how others have been cruel and nasty to us, working to shoot us down when we became too visible or too challenging.

We know what it feels like to feel like a fool, standing there with egg on our face, just turning red and wanting to disappear.   We know how it feels to be standing on the outside, looking in, trapped outside the  group.     We know the feeling of being cut to the quick and dammnit, we don’t ever want to feel like that again, ever.

Avoiding discomfort is the call of the ego.  Staying focused on what went wrong in the past, or all the things that could go wrong in the future, well those are the basic tricks the ego uses to pull us out of this moment.

It’s not hard to find support in being pulled out of the moment, not hard to find support of the fear that keeps people from healing in an effort to avoid the discomfort of change.  Not only will politicians and TV news spread fear, people who want to justify their own lack of healing will take potshots at anyone who tries to climb out of the swamp.

When the lesson you have to share is more challenging — the lesson that growth is good, the lesson that letting go of fears is can lift you, the lesson that healing really does change everything, the lesson that getting over your own damn self can really contribute to your own happiness — then it is much more difficult to share.    People resist in others what they resist in themselves, often working to silence anyone who challenges their fear based view of why they cannot heal, their view that the world needs to heal to meet them, not the other way around.

It is healing that changes everything.      Healing can only, only take place when you are able to get over your own damn self and become new, accepting yourself and your world as they are, not rejecting them because they are not as you wish them to be, because change terrifies you on principle.

The only thing you control is your own choices.   Bringing your choices into authenticity, harmony and integrity with what is brings you into authenticity, harmony and integrity.   Putting others down does  not do that.

In my experience, people who are committed to growth and healing find me positive and useful, but people who are committed to status quo and fear find me annoying and stupid, someone who should be attacked and silenced.    My challenge has been finding others who are also committed to healing, who want to stay in the zone, who understand the scalpel that cuts away prejudices, assumptions and fear to be the key to being alive and potent in the moment.

Getting over your own damn self doesn’t mean being stupid and forgetting the lessons of the past or the tales we have heard from others who have gone down similar roads.  We each only have limited resources so we need to be smart about our priorities, about how we spread ourselves around.   It is when we can believe that our past failures are not dire signs of impending doom but rather lessons that show us how to make better choices that we can be optimistic and get over our damn self.

Healing takes time.   We each heal in our own time, on our own cycles, no matter how much we resist the change that must come with healing.  Healing can be accelerated, though, when we are supported in that healing by others, when we are able to feel safe enough to show our new possibilities to others.

Stigma, though, makes the world unsafe, because stigma demands that we stay stuck in our own damn fears, our own damn expectations, our own damn self as long as possible.  Stigma spreads fear rather than helping us move past it, and stigma teaches us to police ourselves and others by reinforcing and spreading fear rather than transcending it, rather than helping us get over our own damn selves.

When we let the abuse that stigma has engendered control our choices, we can never ever get over our own damn selves.   Our history is true and genuine, our scars are valid and poignant, our world can be scary and dangerous, of this there is no doubt.   Letting those truths stop us, though, from finding the good, the delightful, the authentic and the blissful in the world, means we surrender to the bad stuff, not working for change, and not getting over our own damn selves.

It is amazing how incredibly difficult getting over your own damn self is.

But then again, it’s amazing how much getting over your own damn self can contribute to both your power in the world and your happiness.