Part of me wants to apologize for the posts in the last few weeks that detail the really challenging emotional pieces of walking in the world as trans.
But another part of me thinks they are a real, clear and relevant series of posts on real challenges that many transpeople face everyday. Whatever we want trans to be — liberating, joyous, affirming, authentic — it is true that to be visible as trans in the world has a cost. If it didn’t, well, trans acceptance wouldn’t be such a struggle.
For me, I lost my parents in the winter, did some exploration in the spring, survived the summer, and now, in the fall, I am trying to be more out there, more exposed and accessible, trying to get back on the grid and take charge of my own life.
That peeling back the convention to show and act from my nature in the world leaves me raw and exposed, tender and tense. That’s what has irritated me and stirred up such basic feelings, ripping open the deep seam of transfear buried in my heart from so many decades of living with stigma.
It’s not the first time I have felt these things, of course, which is why I have language to describe and detail them in a way most newly out transpeople don’t have. My metier is travelling through the spiral of experience, going deeper and higher, and using the connection between my brain and my emotions forged in an Aspergers family to document the experience.
My newly-out experience has been raw and bracing, leaving me highly sensitive to the struggles of being trans in the world once again. Reopening those wounds again means I am close to the edge, an edge that so many people would rather not come close to, as it lies on the edge of the abyss.
Maybe I can figure out how to be out and not raw, how to come back to joy and delight in opening new connections in the world. That would be great.
I still have a ways to go in opening such deep feelings and having no place to share them but this blog, so I suspect it is going to be messy for a while.
Messy and beautiful, I hope.