Head Slam

So, in the movie, the mother of a transperson who ended up committing suicide said, with a very serious tone, that she saw her child actually hit themselves in the head.

I laughed loudly.

I have hit myself in the head so hard and so often that I sometimes wonder if it has caused lasting brain challenges.

A friend was once there when I did it, and she was surprised by the force of the blows.  “I could feel them from across the room,” she told me.  My sister hates when I do it because she feels like I am hitting her as I pound my own skull, well, because it is always all about her.

My mother, especially in her last year when my father was in the hospital, often wanted to hit herself in the head.  “Just take a baseball bat and knock me out,” she would ask of me.

In the movie, the father of a young transgirl had finally come to the understanding that the reason his child had acted out, against others and herself, was because she was in so much pain and she had no other way to move beyond it.

My life has been a study in denial, in forcing myself to do the proper thing.  I used my head to enforce this discipline.   When my head started to fail and the feelings started to overwhelm me, I pounded it to try and get the focus back, to highlight and punish my failure.

I just had to hang up on my sister when I realized I had to pound my head again.  She failed me desperately as the executor of the estate, and now she needs me to help clean up her mess.  Her approach is so mushy and insensitive that she expects me to take up the slack, to help fix the blunders that almost destroyed me.

I felt the frustration, pain and sadness of her not hearing me, her not being able to be there for me, and for the first time in a long time, I felt the need to pound my head again.  She is demanding I be who I used to be, because she can only be who she is, and that is a gateway to hopelessness and pain for me.

I am expected to do the work without my family doing the work for me, to deny and tough it out without any opening or respect.

Slam, Slam, Slam, Slam, Slam.

It hurts, so it hurts.

Hopeless, Helpless, Denial.

Slam.

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