What’s Your High?

“He doesn’t abuse drugs and he doesn’t abuse alcohol,” said the detective. “This is his high. This and trying to beat the police.”

I just read that passage about a man who stole antique silver in the New York Times.

Does everyone have a high?   Not necessarily something illicit or illegal, but something that gets us out of the everyday world, that gives us a kick, that lets us feel energized and excited.

It made me start thinking about what my high might be.

Clearly, writing well is a kick for me.   Ms.Rachelle, who knows her stuff, recently called one of my pieces “exquisite.”   I hold on to that.

But writing, well, it’s a very solitary and interior thing.   Sometimes I write for an audience, like when I need to respond to a note from ShamanGal, but mostly I write in a less directed way, just trying to express myself in the best way that I can.

I can see the work I need to do ahead of me.   That is big and scary.

What I have more trouble seeing is the highs that are ahead of me.   As I used to ask in the old days, “Where are the wins?”

Facing a future with big challenges to overcome, big burdens to lift, but no expectation of highs to energize me, buoy me up and help me move forward, well, that’s a crushing vision.

Is there any question why I have wicked performance anxiety (PA) when all I can seem to imagine are the potential lows and not the possible highs?

I have done the work, moved beyond the ego, let go of desire, and released my expectations, instead committing to working the process.   Those are all the right things.

But damn, like every human, I still need to get high now and then.

Or, at the very least, imagine that highs are still possible and still coming.