The Bully

The Bully showed up at ShamanGal’s work today.

Last week everything was going so good.   She surrendered to her feminine side, asked for help, started hanging with the gals, felt great and empowered.

But when the bully showed up today, he started telling her that she had her head up her ass.   He told her she was deluded to think that anything could change.  He warned her that she was cruising for a bruising, that trusting people around her would just lead to heartbreak like it always had.

The bully told her that she was too good, too smart, too cool for the idiots where she works.  They are just drone and could never really understand her.  They could never really love her or even like her, the bully said.

She was scared by what the bully told her.    He was probably right.  After all he had been right in the past.  How could this ever work out?  Wasn’t she a fool to let down her guard?   After all, there is so much to fear.

The bully, of course, is ShamanGal’s own ego, that fear voice who showed up when she hit puberty to explain that giving into that feminine shit was just a one way road to hell.  The bully came to do the dirty deed of toughening her up, teaching her how to be a man, before she was really bullied by all the people around her.

It was self bullying as a defensive strategy, because, if we don’t install a policeman, a bully in our head, how can we be safe from bullies in the world?

The worst part is that ShamanGal’s mom came over to make her dinner tonight.   But the bully was still there after the commute., and the bully knew what he had to do.

Her mother ended up crying.   The bully isn’t stupid; ShamanGal’s mom is her role model.  If the bully wants to stop ShamanGal from surrendering to the feminine, what better way than bullying her mom, acting out and proving that anyone feminine can never be strong enough to stand up to a bully?

This isn’t the first time her ego, her demon, her bully has acted out against her mother.

“When the bully showed up, what did you do?” I asked her.  “Did you go for a run, listen to a meditation tape, write, go shopping what?”

“I just got upset,” she told me.

“Remember what I told you.  The challenge isn’t to get rid of the darkness; that’s impossible.  The challenge is to find strategies to get yourself back to centre after the darkness comes.

“Do you have any bubble bath in the house?” I asked her.

She laughed.  “No, not yet.”

“You wouldn’t be the first woman who got over a bullying attack with a bubble bath and a glass of wine,” I said.

“No, I don’t think I would.”

We all carry our own inner bully, our ego, whose voice is full of fear.  And, especially in marginalized communities, we often pass that fear between us, amplifying it, letting that voice of doom and failure bully us into terror.

Some transpeople even think it’s a gift to others to help crank up the fear.  Bully, bully, bullied.  Ego.

ShamanGal’s bully showed up at the office today, because she was beginning to let her guard down.   Surrender?   The bully was having none of that.

She doesn’t yet trust the tools she might have to face that bully down, to not let fear terrorize her.   She couldn’t do what every woman needs to learn to do when faced with a bullying brother, retreat to her own strengths.

Instead, she played the bully’s game and her mother was hurt because of it.

She wanted me to call.   I turned the light on the bogeyman, showed him for the ego fear-peddler that he is, trying to keep her too spooked to relax and pull the stick out of her own ass.

We all gotta face the bully.   He’s never really going away, even if we know how to face him down.  We just need to learn how to stay in our heart and not our ego, to trust in  connection and  not separation, to come from love and not fear.

And then, maybe then, we can really trust that we are loving, lovable and loved children of our mother in the sky.

Because that’s what we have to know to not let our own inner bully, the ego we thought we bred for defense, not scare us.