Parentless

I have OK days and I have worse days.

And the worse days are always informed by family.

But the OK days are not good days because of the lack of family.

I sent a bit of a rant to TBB.   She answered

You sound like a Mother.  Hmmm, I wonder why?

I started parenting my family very early.   They needed taken care of, my self-pitying mother, my aspergers father, my lost siblings.

And I continued that until I watched my parents die at the end of last year.

Now, my birth family continues to not know how to take care of me, because how do you take care of a sibling that is also a parent?   How do you engage that challenge, the challenge of having to face all your childhood stuff?

I’m a bit lost without someone to take care of.

I’m a bit lost without someone to take care of me.

I’m a bit lost.

My life has been animated by duty.

And what it’s animated by now, well, that’s not so clear.

I lost my parents.  And I lost my parenthood at the same time.

The remnants of it continue to block my relationships with my siblings, who have been unable to identify anything that is really mine.

Being beyond middle aged and lost is not a rare place anymore in this country.

Is there another act for me?   Can I bring forth the stories I still have left to tell?

I have OK days and worse days.

But good still feels too far away to see, especially on worse days.