Les Feinberg had a great line.
“I see the world of men and women as ice floes. And when they get pushed apart, it’s painful for me, because I have a foot on both shores.”
S/he was saying what I say in my mission statement, that my gender crossing is a reminder of our continuous common humanity.
The two ice floes that are pulling me apart right now are the world of my own thoughts & experience and the world of my family.
While my parents were alive, there was no question. I stayed with them, no matter how hard it was on me.
But now that they are gone, the choices are harder. Do my siblings come with me a bit, into a brave new world? Do I stay with them, keeping my head down? Or am I torn apart by being on two ice floes that are pulling apart?
I need my family. I especially need them until the estate is cleared, but I need them even beyond that.
And my family has been clear that they need me, but often in the caretaker role that I did so well for so long.
The world of my family is still a world of loss and struggle. The decades with my parents, especially the last eighteen months, were abusingly hard on all of us. I know about my still open wounds, but I also see how my sister has been impacted.
The question for me in all of this challenge is hard. If we are all floating apart, all being torn with separation, all suffering and all hurting, then who brings the joy?
It’s bliss that separates my intentions from my family. My family is a bliss burster, unable to support transcendence, magic and possibility. This makes them unsafe for my dreams.
Rather than finding affirmation for my dreams, I find demands for caretaking and the ballast of a history of my mother’s family, a family that needs to look at the dark side.
I can bring the joy, but it when I know it is going to be steamrolled, well, I know I need to be prepared for something else.
No matter how hard I work to follow my bliss, being pulled back into the bliss is bad zone always screws me up. And I cannot stop engaging with my family, for practical and for very personal reasons.
Follow your bliss. Bury your bliss. Two ice floes that pull me apart.