So, What Would Feel Good?

Never waste a good question,  I always say.

I can spend days chewing on a good question, even if bereavement lady doesn’t understand how I both trust my relationship with the creator, if not with creation, and squeeze every scrap of support  I get for all I can wring from it.

The question asked at the Living With Loss group was simple: “So, what would feel good for you anyway?”   Good question.

I automatically limited that question: “What possible thing would feel good for you anyway?”

I know that being younger, fresher, prettier and getting a childhood do-over aren’t really options.  The distress in my feet, for example,  probably isn’t going anywhere, no matter how many doctors I chew through.  (Next appointment is on Monday.)  And that means all my shoes are out of the realm of possibility, breaking my heart.

I also know that my relationships with other people will always be limited by where they are.  People have to face their own challenges, be that health or enlightenment or struggle, and they can only meet me where they can meet me.  I have reached out to many in the six weeks, but have gotten limited response, and that’s just the way that it is.  People need to be engaged in their own life and their own healing.

The therapist who offered me the lobotomy said that I would often explain why people made bad choices, but then I would go on to explain why they had to make those choices, which he noted was unique among his clients.  I am able to put myself in the position of others with empathy and compassion.  Was that because I so often had to understand my parents with their own Asperegers limited emotional understanding?  Maybe.

Still,  I have learned to squeeze every scrap of support I get, because I know those monents are rare, precious and to be valued.

Of course, I am a compulsive thinker.  And for me, opportunities that engage my mind seem to be the only ones that offer any hope of escaping despair.

I doubt, for example, that a massage would do much more than remind me how my body is far from a comfort to me, how it always has been far from comforting.

Return on investment.   How do I risk the little energy & resource I have to get the return of “feeling good?”

It is, indeed, an important question.

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