Twenty Years

The first post stored on this blog is from twenty years ago today, February 5, 1993.  The blog was started in November 2005, but I did seed it with some older material over the fullness of time, as they say.

In the 1970, I wrote trans fiction for Female Impersonator News out of Belmar NJ.

In the 1980s, I was active on Compuserve HSX100 and then HSX200 “genderline” back to the days when cross gender handles were required to be marked TV or TS.   In the late 1980s , I started writing for the TGIC newsletter.

In the 1990s, I built my website, originally on AOL but now copied to http://callan.transpractice.com/.  And my participation on newsgroups dates back to about 1995.

That’s over 35 years of trying to write about my transgender experience, through writing about fantasies, writing about challenges, writing about what we share, and writing about the details of a the struggle to answer the key question: How queer is too queer?  How queer is not queer enough?   To put that another way, more general, the question is How wild and individual is too wild and individual?  How tame and assimilated is too tame and assimilated?

And still, and still, and still, I find that communicating that in the world is a challenge, because it’s not a gift the world wants to have.  If they did, they would have it already.

All this writing exists as evidence of my stagger under the weight of stigma.  I stagger round and round building understanding, rather than swagger around in a world that supports and values my expression.   The spiral is very clear when I go back to look at my writing, the cost clear when I try to make a bold choice to be more visible.

Working at something for twenty years, though, or thirty five years or whatever, that has to have some value, eh?