Shazam!

Do you every feel like Billy Batson?

All Billy had to do was say Shazam! and the wizard Shazam hits him with a lightening bolt that gives Billy the strength of six mythical heroes.

Shazam!

My Billy Batson feeling is a bit different.

TBB is in NY this week to visit her son at her old alma mater.  And at the end of the week, her daughter comes up and the three of them spend some time in NYC, where TBB grew up.

The last time they were all in NYC they saw the movie TransAmerica.  It was a transsexual woman named Bree traveling the country with her son and daughter  watching a movie about about a transsexual woman named Bree crossing the country with her son.   In this case, life is more compelling than art.

But what will TBB do midweek, when kids are not available?

Shazam!

A wizard named TBB descends on me like a lightening bolt!

Do I engage the magic or just let it fall?

Dr. Phil and Oprah make me stupid.  I find it hard to concentrate on things like cooking with them nattering in the background, but I have no other choice.  That’s why I do things like burn myself like I did today, because I can’t be in and of my self, focused and concentrated.  The burn on my left index finger compliments the deep, deep cut still trying to heal on my left thumb.

It’s my parents house that makes me stupid, of course, so much power that I need to ground out, to blunt and to bleed out.

But TBB, well, she is like a lens.  Her kinesthetic power just opens up everything, cracks shells and lights up the dark corners so nothing can hide.

My parents, well, they have been hit before.

After all, they have had Kate Bornstein in their living room after the Kriplau debacle almost seven years ago now.

The problem is that I still have to be here after TBB leaves.

Who the hell else will take care of my parents?

And I don’t want them to have a bite at my own powerful, deep, inner and developed self.

Better they get my slave name and my dumbed down actions, the better for them to correct me over.

I want the magic, the lightening bolt, the energy of six mythological figures to be unleashed in me.

I want to feel the power of TBB, and use her like the booster she is.

But I don’t want to have to feel the creep of collapse afterwards.  I’ve been there too many times; it hurts.

A force of nature, here with a huge heart.

And me staying small.

Shazam.