From The Slushpile

My voice has been missing the last few weeks.

I thank Gwyneth, Grace and Jendi for their kind care, concern and support.

The best I can offer is my current slushpile.

Maybe something makes sense here.

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demolition by decay
the term urban planners use
to describe the destruction of neighborhoods by neglect
the term I use
to describe the destruction of lives by the denial of life.

I need to feel
skin
hope
exuberance
passion, eros
seen
alive

I am sick of feeling
denial
self swallowing
locked down
dead

I live in their world
and there is no room
for me

Their stories
crowd out their opportunities
squeezing away the possibility
of change

what we are
focused on
is
what we are.

denial of imagination
denial of potential
battle of denial
do it for me, honey

where is my world?
lost in pap
donmpy

we all need someplace
to be bad
while we develop
our own excellence
failure building proficiency
trials providing answers
rehersal honing performance
chipping revealing truth
creation making brilliance

took a survey
http://irbapproved.blogspot.com/2009/07/counseling-psych-survey-mental-health.html
about self harm in trans experience
shook me up after
i added 10 statements of my own
about the line between self-harm and discipline, self-harm and servicing
but if the survey pushed your buttons
they offer no money to find support

rachel says the person interviewing sister wendy
wanted to know how happy she was
to be out of her trailer/cell
and in the world
but wendy just said she hated every moment of it
she and the monastic life
are made the same way.

my monastic life:
plenty of service & denial
not nearly enough performance & community
contemplation (& coca-cola) my only solace
disconnection & diabetes

why serve the dying
in their world
when you have the gifts
to serve the living
in your world?
because
who else will serve
the dying?

“you have to honor choices.”
rachel pollack

the job of a guru
is to place us
in a story
finding context
for what seems mundane
because, after all
story is what positions us
in a wider world
in a bigger universe

“the guy who ends up with
the best toys
isn’t the winner.
it’s the guy who ends up with
the best stories.”
billy mays, 1958-2009

if hanging with kids
keeps you young
does hanging with seniors
make you old?

with young people, care is an investment
with aged people, care is an expense
a costly expense

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