B-B-B-B-B-Big

TBB felt the need to remind me of the duality that is really hard for people to get their arms around with her.

They see her come into the room, big and beautiful, blonde and boisterous, breathaking and brilliant, and they can’t imagine that there is any way for her to be small.   They can’t see the scared little girl inside, the one who needs affirmation and love, even though TBB feels her acutely in her heart’s pain.

It’s not how you can be both man and woman, both not-man and not-woman, that pulls at us.  That’s easy.  It’s how you can be both big and small, both tough and tender, both healer and wounded that is the most challenging duality for us in this world.

We speak for enlightenment and empowerment, and people find that challenging.  They assume that we can’t know anything of being hurt and crippled, of being crushed and deflated, of being abused and oppressed, beause we are big and speaking power.  If we did understand their pain, wouldn’t we be speaking like them, weaker and more empathetic?

But we speak the words we need to hear, and we need to hear them because we feel the lack of them so strongly.  This is always the result of the hero’s journey; we know the trials, and we know what we need to face them.  We have the gift of enlightenment to return, but if the world wanted that gift, they would already have it, and so we are scorned for it, rejected for it, silenced for it.

Who heals the healers?  For me, it is the constant question.  I know how to take care of others, but there are very few who know how to take care of me.  My sister sent me to Kripalu to learn that I had something valuable to share with others, but she neglected to understand that they weren’t yet ready to share with me.  It may seem that others have nothing I need, but the assumption that because I can do things that are hard for them then I must be able to do things that are easy for them, well, wrong.  Everyone can whistle; why can’t I?

I get the notion that I am a beacon, that I have energy.

But I also know that I am a battered hulk, that I have pain.

I won’t act crippled to gain connection.  My own knowledge will shine through anyway.  But I know that knowledge comes from a journey, a lonely and trying journey that is now etched onto my soul.

The duality I want you to get is this: we are all divine, we are all human.   We are all transcendant, we are all flesh.  We are all connected, we are all alone.

To me, that means I could use a good cuddle, a big smile, and some loving attention.

But that doesn’t mean I am going to swallow my own knowledge to get it.

One thought on “B-B-B-B-B-Big”

  1. I still don’t know how to act in spite of knowledge. If you work that out, wire it to me, ASAP. I’m in deep need, it seems.

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