Years ago, my sister’s friend encouraged me to speak with a local pastor with whom she did informal counseling. It was not really a useful exercise; when I told Rachel about his response to my writing, she said “Oh. He’s threatened.”
He asked me when I felt happy.
“I feel happy in about the same situations other people are happy,” I replied.
“Well, we each have unique situations that make us happy,” he said.
“I feel happy when I feel seen, understood and valued for who I am,” I clarified.
“Oh,” he said. “Yes, I guess that is what makes everyone happy.”
Rachel, well, she understands this.
I actually feel that this is a lesson I’ve learned, and it’s a valuable one.
When you first reached out, with your eulogy passages for yourself, I admit my first reaction was to want to see you take steps in the direction of coming out more, being more aggressive with your parents, etc.
But then I really heard you that what matters is to be understood and respected for who you are.
And the choice to care for parents is a powerful one, even when they don’t appreciate what you are doing.
What is also courageous actually is that you do not tell yourself that since you have made this choice it is all okay. Instead, there is a seeing of the reality, including the pain. And also seeing still the power you actually have even when you do not always express it.
What I call trans passion is an incredible force.
If I think of what Goddess I see in you, Athena comes to mind, and then Aphrodite. Very different figures.
The Athena part is the brilliance and the devotion to others.
The Aphrodite is the passion.
Telling a wounded healer not to be wounded is like telling a hunting dog not to hunt. It attempts to take away part of who they are, part of their essence and power.
We each want to be seen for who we are, not who others think we could be if we only acted more like they want us to. God, that is the pain of my life, people telling me how good and great I could be if only I was someone different, someone more compartmentalized, someone more like their ideal.
Isn’t that the essence of queer? If we want to be affirmed in our unique mix of humanity and divinity, we have to affirm both the divinity and the humanity in others. This is the core of my playing “Yes, Yes,” not just to whip out high-falutin’ platitudes & affirmations, but also to affirm the messy, beautiful and potent humanity we hold inside. TantraGal, for example, isn’t just a powerful presence, she is also a wounded girl who desires comfort, compassion and healing. Both sides are important to her life on Earth; all sides are important.
I know that my words often lead my expression, that I speak above my present. But isn’t that a key part of the human experience, having a divine view while living in the mundane, being spirit living a very human life?
Seen, understood and valued, not just for what other people think we could be if we just worked at it, but for who we are. Respected and affirmed for who we are.
It’s important to me.