Worst Enemy

I also hope you no longer feel the need to be quite so miserable as you once were.[I know I just stated that very poorly, but please try to hear me on this.]

You are such a beautiful and magical person in your own right,
it always pained me when I saw you become your own worst enemy, etc.

Holly B, note to me, 07 March 2008.

I don’t think I ever had the need to be miserable.

But I did have the need to challenge & question every desire I had, did have the need to deny those desires. Discipline, always discipline.

Of course, that made me miserable. Same difference, eh?

Being my own worst enemy, the one whose job was to confront me so as to keep me small & scared, well, that was — is — second nature to me. It’s what I was trained to do, all that vigorous and intrusive self-policing.

But maybe, somehow, I can figure out how to shut the doors to that asshole, to my own worst enemy.

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