The End Of Denial

Where is the end of denial?

I’m good at denial. It’s not the kind of denial that makes truth invisible — truth is maybe my only nourishment — rather it’s the kind of denial that defies temporal desires and needs, the aesthetic denial of the cloistered. It’s this denial of desire that opens one to deeper flows, which is why it is so common in communities of seekers.

I was taught early that denying the desire that lives in my soul was the only road to an appropriate and sanctified life, so my experience at denying that desire is deep and well honed.  I know how to tough it out, swallow the pain, go around the obstacle, just take it.

What I am not good at is understanding where the end of denial is.

I know it’s not in just submitting to desire willy nilly; my consciousness is hard earned and I value it.

But I also know that if I am going to live in this temporal world, some temporal things I have to not deny, I have to engage. It’s not just for survival, it’s also for learning. “We discover our talents by using them,” a fortune cookie says, and discovery is the point, is it not? I have discovered my talents of clearing the desire and that discovery makes me insightful in a rare way, but what about my talents of entering the desire?

For many people, who don’t have the kind of polished and well muscled power of denial that I have this is very hard. I have often believed that I lived my life backwards; for most, entering desire comes first and then comes learning to channel it. For me, I learned to channel before I learned to enter, which leaves me without the exuberance, innocence and youth that seems valuable to this primal indulgence.

I need a strategy for ending the denial of desire. Not a strategy of not denying desire anymore ever again, but one of going far enough into my desire that I can move back and find a center.

When I tell people I need to enter my desire, mostly they balk. Therapists seem ready to help you live a more considered life, not a life of more abandon, and Life Coaches aren’t real comfortable helping you go where they would fear to tread. There is a reason I have found it easiest to deny my desire around others for the last half century, even if I know that in those dreams are the seeds of what my mother in the sky has planted in me.

Getting back on the grid for me requires the end of denial, and some form of entry into getting what I desire. I know that trying to fit into conventional desires is a dead end for me; it’s too easy for me to desire just leaving rather than another attempt at being some normative spoob just to fit in. Just don’t have the energy for another try at that dead end.

The end of denial for me can’t be just the end of resisting taming, nor can it be just be going wild and letting my freak flag fly. I need to not just stop losing, but to feel empowered & supported in starting to actually win, to be bold brave and out there in a way that cares for me and cares for my world, sharing not just my lowest service of washing pee rags, but also my highest service of demanding and ennobling healing.

But that balance seems hard to do in any context that I can understand.

I am denial of desire, and to end denial and be empowered, I can’t just compartmentalize and contain. When we do the menial as part of something bigger it is a means to better, but when the menial becomes the limit of our vision, well, you are blind in one eye, losing the perception of depth that helps us see further. (OK, I enjoyed that “joke.”)

I know I need to find the end of denial.

I just have no idea how the beginning of empowerment won’t just freak everyone out.