who the fuck i am

On Monday, the surgery was aborted, and I spent the day settling people down.

When my parents didn’t show for their 5:00pm traditional dinner, at 5:20 I ate alone, rather than waiting as I always have. After that, I haven’t eaten with them.

From Tuesday, I was beat. I spent 60 hours or so mostly lying on the floor.

That broke late Thursday. I had some energy, and came to understand that as long as I was here to keep them comfortable & stable, they would have no incentive to change.

This morning, Saturday, I was moved to write

do you know who the fuck i am?

maybe if you read this blog
you have some idea

but if you just assume that
i am who you assume me to be
you don’t know who the fuck i am.

who i am
well
it scares even me
mostly because it scares them
all those thems
who like comfort more than challenge
and i am challenge
embodied.

when people see that
they know
know, know, know
that i have the obligation
to tend to the fears they have
their fears

but me
but me
but me

so long to learn
who the fuck i am
and now
i stay small
playing fears
projected fears
palpable fears

In the shower, I realized that it wasn’t just laughing I couldn’t do.

I couldn’t rage, and I couldn’t be empowered.

That means, of course, I couldn’t be who I knew myself to be.

Lezlie, after a few sessions, realized that I had a recognizable style. That, at least to a woman, means that you have some self-knowledge, an understanding of who you are and how to express it.

Passion is the key. That therapist who dealt with Gini & I got it in one; passion is all that Freud wrote about, from desire to anger to drive to hunger to ambition to mission to enlightenment to the rest of Eros.

If I have only one life, let me live it as a blonde. Powerful ad copy, because it is about engaging and expressing our own passion, our own beauty, our own life force.

I can’t help people engage their own energy if I have to deny my own. And in the term “people,” I include my parents.

I need to find a way to come from my own power & possibility if there is any hope of healing.  Death is required, but rebirth is desired, birth in my own outrageous & powerful energy.

And that is the hard part.