I can’t cry.
I can’t sob.
I can’t scream.
I can’t just keep slamming myself in the head, no mater how hard that is to resist.
My father was “finally coming out of denial” as a solution to the pain in his hip, as he told his pastor yesterday.
But what he couldn’t do was de-stress himself enough to keep his blood pressure down.
He can get it down when he relaxes enough, but that’s hard for him.
So today, after a month of intense preparations for hip joint replacement surgery, he blew over 200.
And my mother is upset — it’s all about her, always — and he is upset, and I am upset.
But all I can do is get them back to the elevator, get blamed for bad directions, get them in and out of the store with the deli, get bruised and battered.
I made a big party yesterday I had to transport it to my sister’s house, and then make everything happen instantly, with a grill I don’t know, a fire made by tyros, just amazing work.
My mother made a comment about one of her friend’s sons being a bit of a dweeb in the past, eating bad stuff. I agreed. I then got a lecture about how he was doing well for himself, a good smart wife, a house, nice kids, everything a mother could want he gave his mother.
The implicit statement? I failed.
I agreed he did well, better than me.
I couldn’t cry.
I couldn’t sob.
I couldn’t scream.
I couldn’t just keep slamming myself in the head, no mater how hard that is to resist.
This was a nice party, and I had to keep things nice for my father, down to being up in the middle of the night to do laundry as part of his disinfection procedures.
I had to stay denied.
My father wants to think that he can leave denial, but of course, he cannot.
Too much to stay denied, past the hip.
Starting with the woman he carried on his hips for all these years.
I need to stop this before my own head explodes.
I’m way too sick to keep standing.
I know how hard this makes everything, harder and harder. I thought that the wave would break one way or the other today.
But instead, it just keeps intensifying.
And I cannot handle it anymore.
I’ll ask my sister if she wants to get someone in to do this job.
And then I go.