Wah, Wah.

One of the few things I can get excited about are MP3 players. I’m really excited about the ability to pop my ears in and leave where I am, of course, to get away into a virtual world.

I ran down to CC to get some MP3 players that were coming up cheap. I had to ask though — of a person born male who if they aren’t a tranny, should be, from lashes to legs to hair — and that mucked everything up.

They weren’t going to sell them to me for the price in the computer, the price others had been getting.

Add those to the MP3 player from China that came without promised features, and is now broken, or the MP3 player on it’s way back to China since it’s broken, and it feels like everything I touch turns to shit.

I have a belief, about that, of course. Since I am fighting my bliss, my calling, I believe that the world responds to that, breaking my luck, my flow, my life.

That may not be true, of course. It may just be that because I am fighting my nature, I am raw and sensitized to little irritations that others would just pass over. Low “latent inhibition” as it were.

And I have the firm belief in this now,
not only in terms of my own experience
but in knowing about the experience of others,
that when
you follow your bliss,
doors will open
where you would not have thought
there were going to be doors
and where
there wouldn’t be a door
for anybody else.

Joseph Campbell

If I follow my bliss, will the universe open up to me, or will I open up to the universe?

Does it matter which?

The truth is that getting more and better MP3 players won’t ever expand the amount of time available to listen to MP3s, no matter how much I want it to.

But the whole belief that because I am fighting my bliss and my calling that things will go sour for me, well, that’s what I feel in my neck and shoulders.

Oy.

ReVirginization

You can only be a virgin once.

That is, of course, unless you are one of those people who regularly revirginize yourself.

You know; the people who dismiss the lessons from their last encounter to stay as innocent as possible. Applied ignorance to revirginize yourself, so you can be sure that next time will be the first time that really counts, the first time everything drops into place, the first time that magic really happens.

I was talking about this idea with Miz Ruby when she talked about her last experience where she felt betrayed and lost faith, and how that still tinges her vision. Ruby admitted to knowing a girl like this when she was young, one who was always revirginizing herself for the first time, but noted that the friendship had sorta slipped away over time.

For me, it was the salespeople who were always revirginizing themselves. “I’m always happy when someone says no, because you need to hear ‘no’ twenty times before hearing yes, and they just put me one ‘no’ closer to a yes!”

Ah, innocence. Innocence feeds hope, which in turn feeds enthusiasm and persistence. But innocence also keeps us from learning & growing.

Can we ever get that innocence back without ignorance?  Do we have to revirginize ourselves to be open to trying again, even though we know that failure is a probable option?

Or is there another way to find the enthusiasm & resilience that comes with the belief that this time, there is hope?

How do we both get smarter from every failure and also keep open to the possibility of transformation, not be so innocent but still be full of lifeforce?

How?