No matter how logical, well laid out and rational these posts sound, I am not essentially an intellectual person.
I am essentially an emotional person, who grew up knowing that they had to keep their emotions under check, and that if I wanted anyone to understand what I was feeling, I had to find nice words for it.
There are no words to convey what I feel. The best I can do is find words that evoke what I am feeling, and hope that other people will get that feeling from what I share.
In other words, I am not my symbols, or even the rationality that constructs those symbols. I am the shadow that my words cast, as Octavio Paz wrote.
The depth, breadth and richness of my emotions are incommunicable, at least in any simplified and flattened form.
The feelings swirl and flow, the longing, the slipping into that space where my own feelings trump the world around me.
I went to one of Kate & Barbara’s orgasm workshops, and we had to answer what it felt like, and my response was that it felt like all the holes lined up and I was open for a moment. So many layers, so many holes to synchronize, and while I can do it alone, I have never really been able to do it with another person — too many more layers and projections and assumptions to manage.
The emotions are always there for me, always rife and rampant, and handling them is what I do. It may not look that way on the surface — I learned long ago to filter everything way too much before it gets to the surface — but it is very true. I know that my surface doesn’t express emotion well; ergo the filters.
People have thought that I am prolific, and it is true, I write quickly & clearly, concise & lucid.
But that writing isn’t me. It’s just an attempt at shadow play to convey what I have always felt is isolated, the emotions that often overwhelm and confuse me.
And so far, I have found no words to convey that desperate loneliness and buried beauty.