When your brain & your heart deal in connections, the kind of balance that many try to suggest, compartmentalization, just seems to be impossible.
To me, behaviours are always in context. It’s certainly possible to do scut work or perform a role, but only if it fits into some larger context.
TBB understands this about me. “You are a big picture kind of gal,” she tells me. It’s my blessing and my bane, making big things comprehensible and small things overwhelming.
I know what people think I should do, and that’s take care of my own life, at least a li’l bit.
What is the big picture for me right now? How do my needs fit in?
I am engaged in the same struggle I have been in all my life: a test of will.
A test of will requires two key components. The first is an admirable goal, and in my cares that is taking care of my parents. The second component, as G. Gordon Liddy will be happy to tell you, is punishment, denial and sacrifice, all endured with grace and discipline. Hold your hand over that candle, and no Dr. Flameo, either.
I just took a two hour walk to buy strawberries and a paper, and deliberately didn’t put on my MP3 player to listen to Kurlansky’s book about Cod. Will.
TBB gets this on some level, understanding that I have to have a focus, a context, even if that context requires too much denial.
How do I find the permission to love, to move past will? I don’t know. But I do know that it’s almost impossible doing it just a li’l bit