Not Trans

So, my performance coach is now focused on the idea that, maybe, I’m not on the same path as other transpeople. 

what do you think about the idea that  you are really on a different path than most of the trannies (sp?) you know — a more encompassing path, one that you are crafting as a pioneer?

Well, Duh, as they say.

It’s in my what you need to know about my trans, it’s in Jamison Green’s context of trans that trans is always about indvidual paths, and not about some group identity.  Trans has to be a claiming of individual power, and that’s one reason why femme exists in a trans-context.

The problem, the problem, the problem, is not the fact that I am trans.  The problem is that in this culture, trans comes with all sorts of baggage crap, down to the boy in the clothing store yesterday who wanted to note that he wasn’t the only guy in there once I walked in.  I got lots of other smiles and small affirmations, though whatever context all of them came in I saw them though the context of growing up as trans, as being the nail that stood up, and others felt needed to be pounded down.

Trans is my gift, that huge painting, and it is my challenge.   But trans, damnit, is not who I am, not even some kind of group identity. 

I am not trans, not in any sense that I am following the same path as other trannies.   I am trans, in the sense that I needed to follow my own heart past gender expectations and conventions, and in doing that I share challenges with others who are doing that.

The assumptions that I am some kind of expectation, some kind of assumption, is exactly the challenge I am fighting against.  I want, I need people to hear my own complex truth, and when that truth is made insvisible by assumptions, well, that’s when I feel erased and oppressed.

I told her this week that for a long time people have told me that they don’t see me as a man or a woman, they see me as Callan.    While I have no doubt that is true — the road to enlightenment leads right past gender — it still feels like a lonely place.  But it is the place in which I exist, not as a tranny or a femme or a guru or whatever, but as Callan, who is all that and more, a complex & fascinating creature like no other (as they say in The Rules) .

I am crafing my own space, with pieces from many roles, but uniquely my own.  That’s a vital thing to understand, and I would hope people who listen get that quickly.

But for a world of people who think that they can primarily be one of the group, with some uniqueness, rather than be a unique person with some connections, the second is a steep understanding. 

I am on my own path and that isn’t a trans path or a femme path or a guru path or any other path; it’s my path.

And I would hope I have made that clear.