Restraint Velocity

The odds are that if you walk in the wide world as an aging, overweight tranny, you aren’t going to get a lot of spontaneous positive feedback. 

I mean, most people are focused on themselves, and even if they aren’t they don’t know what to say.  Few people get a lot of spontaneous postive feedback from strangers.

You, will, though, probably get some spontaneous negative feedback from strangers.  Maybe just looks, or whispers to companions, statements of incredulity or even outright negative statements. 

What this means is that to walk in the world as an aging, overweight tranny you have to carry your own energy with you.  It can either be positive radiant energy, shining outward, or negative defensive energy, held inward.  Now, one has a better chance of making connections than the other, but they both work.

Here is a lesson I have learned: if you are self-loathing enough to stay nicely in the closet for most of the time, switching into a mode where you can shine brightly with confidence and the comfort of your own skin isn’t easy.  You cannot both be nicely hidden away and also proud & out.

Dr. Phil believes that when you win through terrorizing others you squash their passions, and their passion is what they need to activate self-healing.  Demanding that others stay small so they stay in your comfort zone is demanding that they break themselves into little pieces.

My goal in this time-out-of-time has been to try to find enough affirmation and feedback to engage my passion, to have what I need to walk in the world shining.

That hasn’t happened, and now, with the possibilities left, well, there is almost no chance it will ever happen.  It’s not worth the risk to even try.

It’s like those early Atlas rockets on the pad, primed to go down-range, that start flaming, spewing energy, but when the clamps are thrown, the bolts are blown, well, they go up an inch or two and then fall back in a huge ball of metal fire.  Crash.

Some suggest that I be able to change quickly at my sister’s house.  I remember four or five of those attempts as the worst, worst moments of my life, slamming on makeup to make an appointment, looking like an awful clown, then scrubbing it off again, arriving with a blotchy red face, a massive frustration, and a deep inner hurt that I had failed again, that I had a dream that got smashed one more time.

So, it is over.  Time to throw stuff out finally, give up, just let myself die.  I have been down to see a wig I liked at a cheap store that includes some beauty supplies, but the asian kid behind the counter just never wants to come help me buy his wares.  God, if I live in a world where he doesn’t even want to get my money, what hope is there?

What might help me feel the breath again?  I need someone to get the joke.  Lezlie is sweet, but she too is like a baby, with so much to learn.  She tries, but she isn’t really there where I am, too much too learn, not really enough energy, her having her own life and all.  To have someone laugh is to be affirmed and understood, at least for me, and that, well, that playful awareness, that childlike engagement, that wise presence doesn’t seem to be available for me.

This is whiney downass shit, but it is where I am, about 12 days before I have to go back into full dogsbody mode.  I hurt and I break and I stagger and I cry, and I can’t see anywhere begond that.

The odds are that if you walk in the wide world as an aging, overweight tranny, you aren’t going to get a lot of spontaneous positive feedback. 

I mean, most people are focused on themselves, and even if they aren’t they don’t know what to say.  Few people get a lot of spontaneous postive feedback from strangers.

You, will, though, probably get some spontaneous negative feedback from strangers.  Maybe just looks, or whispers to companions, statements of incredulity or even outright negative statements. 

What this means is that to walk in the world as an aging, overweight tranny you have to carry your own energy with you.  It can either be positive radiant energy, shining outward, or negative defensive energy, held inward.  Now, one has a better chance of making connections than the other, but they both work.

And if you don’t have the energy, well, you don’t have the life.