I asked by an old friend to leave her list, because she found it offensive that I was writing under a nom de plume. Today, she finds masks improper, even though her history is in theater & magic. She picks at my note, line by line, dragging it though all those filters installed in her head so as to offer her judgement, sure in her intellectual sniffing.
I suspect it’s because she does not want to look behind the mask she wears, the earnest and judgemental mask of self-righteous spirituality. She wonders why she isn’t having fun, why no one finds her fun to be with, but she can identify it as a problem with others, rather than a problem with the expression of her own pinched & dessicated pain.
She doesn’t really want to hear what I have to say, which is “Yes.” Yes, be playful. Yes, trust your desire. Yes, take the stick out of your ass. Yes, laugh with God. Yes, you have to dance. Yes, you have to allow yourself to be as exceptional as you are. Yes, you have the divine in your heart.
TBB, when I tell a particularly cutting truth, laughs with pain & delight. This gal, well, she puckers, rejecting the truth and the teller in one fell swoop. We live in a finite world, and that means every statement contains both truth and falsity. We have to decide which is more important, looking for the big picture connective truth and focusing on that, or picking for the bits that can be denied as false and throwing any truth out with the bathwater.
It’s not a surprising behavior. Lots of the world do it, deciding that protecting the status quo is more important than enlightenment. It’s just when someone who claims to be comittted to enlightment does it that it smells kind of rank. I get her need to hold tight, I just don’t think it’s serving her anymore, but if we as humans don’t hold onto defenses that no longer serve us, what do we do?
The one big, big stanky thing about trans-support groups is their unwillingness to affirm the positive. It is, instead, fears that get affirmed. We see someone doing what would scare us, and we feel the need to denigate those choices in them as we deny those choices in our life. Rather than affirming choices we would never make for ourselves, and asking people to affirm the choices we make that they would never make for ourselves, we act as monitors, defending the right way to be trans in the world, the way we have chosen.
As I look to being out in the world for a while, walking past neighbors and into places where the presence of a tranny can bring fear, laughter and derision, I know that my own intention feels thin. I know that I need affirmation, feedback, encouragement and empowerment.
But where, oh where, can I find this kind of affirmation? I know lots of people who agree that it is important, but when their fears get hackled, well, they freeze up, pull back, decide to ask for responsibility and not to offer compassion.
I need to hear yes. Please, I need to hear yes, Callan, you have to go out and be big, to be visible, to try and risk and try again.
And, from long experience, I know I have little hope of hearing it now.