So, That’s It.

It’s a year today I started this blog.

Now, after 337 posts and 52 of my comments, you have my experience of a year in my life laid out in front of you. 

It is my testament, an attempt to show myself to a world that has always wanted me to be simpler & less challenging.   It is my attempt to take what so many have seen as overwhelming and to make it simple & compelling.

In that, I believe that I have failed. 

The real truth of what I have to say isn’t in the text, it is in the spaces between the text, the poetry sealed in prose.

I am the shadow my words cast.”  For a long time now, that quote from Octavio Paz has been what I put in profiles, used when asked to speak of myself.    I am not the symbols or surfaces,  I am the meaning and meta behind them.

For me, this has always been the lesson of transgender, that truth lies within.  We are not our flesh or our adornments, the symbols of our lives, rather we are the shadow of our choices, the truth inside.

It has taken me so long to understand my own meaning, and one of the joys & pains of that process is the ability to read meaning inside message in others.  X-Ray vision is a gift and a curse, but it is something we all can work towards if we just care about context & connection, looking below and beyond.

The one thing we can never get back is time.  The year passed & recorded here is gone, along with all its opprtunities and lessons.  So many years gone now, more than half a century of years, so many lessons learned, so many opportunities lost.

But this year is dried and left here, open for you to engage. I don’t know how I could have made my experience any clearer, any more explicit.

So now, it’s up to you.

2 thoughts on “So, That’s It.”

  1. In that, I believe that I have failed.

    if your project really was to in any way to make it “simple“, well then of course you have failed.

    compelling, yes.

    simple, never.

    in fact you make the point yourself. it’s not simple. it’s not the text. it never has been. it’s that space between that you keep talking about, that is where you always live but that you also know very well is not even on the map for most people. you’re shouting “here i am” from a place that, in context, barely exists. and you do it conscious poetry, a kind of textual dreamstate that you craft very carefully to invoke and suggest and “mean” things on a level far removed from the words themselves.

    simple? how could you ever be, or hope to make yourself seen so?

    the truth that “we are the shadows of our choices” is so simple, so essential, that it almost has no concrete meaning, without a lifetime of experience and reflection. i’ve been dedicated for years to the precept of living by choice, but it’s only in the past year that i’ve come anywhere close to understanding what my will is, and what kind of person it makes me.

    i’ve found that – sadly and pardoxically – trannies aren’t any more inherently self-aware, self-making, than a large portion of the general population. it’s one of the reasons i need to be so much more.

    so… what next? is this the end of a project?

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