For Yourself

My sister wants to tell me that I have the right to do things “for yourself.”   For example, I didn’t have to leave the lobbying workshop early to make dinner for my parents, relieving my father greatly.

Well, yeah, sure.  But the event had spent itself, and I was invisible, and there wasn’t really anything else to get, no chance to get the engagement, encouragement, affirmation and stimulation I need.

Trust me, if I knew what would replenish, renew and invigorate me, I would do it.  But crawling though broken glass on my belly to try and find something that might be good, well, been there, done that, ate the shards.

Yes, if I got back on the grid, immersed and did everything right, I might, just might, find what I need for myself.  Or I might be as hurting as most of the transpeople in that room Saturday.  Remember, the challenge with me isn’t just to be trans, it’s to be trans and brilliant, standing for and in light, which is what give me pleasure and power.

I do have some idea what I need to do “for myself,” and it doesn’t involve packing myself away again into a tiny box after a couple of hours.  Few things are harder or more painful than packing oneself into the closet once again.

I know who I am, and I know who I am denying to stay small.  It’s not some person just a scotch bigger than who I am now, it’s a big ballsy broad who speaks loudly and attracts powerfully.    I know what to do to patch myself up a bit, but entropy is entropy, and what I need to do to replenish and regenerate myself is something bigger.

It is always a challenge when people tell me that I need to do what I need to do “for yourself,” but can tell that doing anything that scares them, that brings up their own stuff, is something they can’t come near.

I value relationships and I try to maintain them, but, as Phil McGraw said to the transman, many if not most people can’t handle it, so in the end you have to be willing to sacrifice being understood and loved and just be happy inside, taking care of yourself. 

I have spent my life not trusting other people, and when people who are close to me tell me that I have to do what I have to do “for yourself,” I understand that.

It means that I will always be alone.

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