I am, she said, convinced that if I package myself well and give people what they want that I can get them to appreciate what I have to offer.

I am, however, not at all convinced that they will appreciate me and be able to offer the kind of caring and healing that I require.

TBB tells me that even when I simplify things that they aren’t simple enough, that I have to simplify the simplification.

I tell her that is probably just too much for me to accomplish.

I know that I can help people take a step.

I just don’t know that they have any idea how to help me.

So Much Work

“Hon, you are 1000 volts in a 110 volt world,” a friend once told me.

And having to always be not only myself but also a step down transformer, well, that’s just so much work.  And it’s work I have been doing since I first identified that “Jonathan Winters” energy in myself almost half a century ago.

I want to go somewhere where life for me isn’t so much work, work spent burning off energy to stay small and in sync.

But I have no idea where that is, where I don’t have to work so much to try and connect, where I don’t feel like I am always missing the voltage and burning myself.

I’m too old to keep burning the burn.

too old.