You can't do trans without fuck.
You can do trans without fucking, sure — hell, the legendary Grae Phillps called one of her shows Everyone's Fucking But Me — but not with out the twin fucks; "What the fuck!" and its corollary, "Fuck You!" (If you have real issues with anglo-saxon language, "What the hell!" and "Go to Hell!" may be subsituted for the above.)
To walk beyond the voices you hear that tell you that you shouldn't cross gender lines, even the voices implanted in your head, you have to be able to get beyond caring what other people will think of your choices. For most of us, the moment we get past our internal editor is the moment we say "Oh, what the fuck!" often followed with a little chaser like "we only live once" or "it will be fun" or "it won't kill me."
That "What the fuck!" moment is the moment we break the bonds.
The next challenge, though, is when some external voice tries to remind you of all those sensible restrictions and boundaries, tries to tell you that your "What the fuck!" behavior is bad or wrong or just unattractive.
It's that moment when you have to decide what to do. Do you try to ignore them (conceal), try to explain it with a rationalization (convince), try to dismiss it as a joke (clown), try to agree with them (concede), or do you drop the big one on them?
"Fuck you, you self-righteous prude, fuck you."
The first step is being ready to say "what the fuck," but until you are ready to say "fuck you" to anyone who tries to shame, humilate or diminish you, you can't really take any big steps.
You don't have to say it blunt, of course. I remember a woman born female coming out of one meeting in MSL's last year at IFGE, and saying to me "I love that you know how to say 'Fuck You' in so many nice ways!" Women in business learn the techniques, though all too often the nice "fuck yous" just frustrate the fuckers enough for them to want to fuck everyone over because they can't easily fucking defend themselves.
"Fuck you, you bastard." It's an important part of the arsenal of any marginalized people who are fighting stigma and oppression, but it is the a-bomb. It makes a quick explosive statement all right, but doesn't help much in rebuilding things. That takes more concilation, more connection, more openness & vulnerability.
This is the challenge. We can't get anywhere just by telling everyone to fuck off, but neither can we face down those who want to silence us without having the willingness to just tell them to go fuck themselves. It takes balance, the balance between not being willing to swallow ourselves and being willing to be open to others with compassion.
I know that my current issue is being way to good at swallowing, and not nearly being comfortable with in-your-face fuck-off stuff. I want to be tender with people, and I want them to be tender with me. I didn't engage my transgender to be a fat-fuck waving her whatever at the world, because when I engaged my trans I found a sensitive femme who wants to bring healing.
But I also know that my trans nature is iconoclastic and indvidual, and part of healing is being willing & able to cut away the mushy rationalizations to reveal strong, healthy and supple thought.
"What the fuck!" and "Fuck you!" are tools we use to cut though the expectations placed on us, to move beyond the tame and claim our wild individual nature. And that's why ou can't do trans without fuck.
And the people who think that fuck should never be required, that we never have to be rude to claim our divinity?
Well, fuck'em if they don't get the joke.
And that's my fucking sermon for Pride Day '06.