Looking Behind

Last night on House, Wilson took Cuddy's spoon from dinner and tested it for cancer markers.

Intrusive, boundary breaking, and rude yes, but essentially loving.  Wilson knows that people lie when they can't face some things, so you have to look behind if you care for them, go deep beyond their defenses to discover what is really huring them.

This kind of love that looks behind, looks deep into you, looks into places that hold your hurt, well, it's both the kind of love that everyone wants, and the kind of love that no one wants.  We crave being seen, but when someone is looking at something we can't or won't look at ourselves, well, that's creepy even if it is powerful and true love.

I think this is the difference between the normies and the people I understand.  Normies really think you can live your life without looking behind, that things mean what they mean on the surface, but my people, well, they understand that the surface is just the beginning.  It's not things, it's the connections between things that counts, not the symbols but the shadows they cast where meaning is revealed.

Oprah did the same show she has been doing for twenty years yesterday, again talking to women who have discovered that fairytale weddings followed by attempts at being the perfect wife do not a marriage make.  Marriage is relationship, and relationship is conflict, especially conflict that comes from a deep caring, from love.  How can people stand at an altar when they are 22 and promise "until death do us part" unless they have looked behind and know that means everything will change, time and time again, until death comes?

The Beautiful Paige called last night, and wanted to talk about friendships.  How can someone call her "my best friend" in one moment, and then end up not seeing her?  I suggested it was because this person had never really seen her in the first place, at least not in the way that Paige sees people, looking behind.  Her friend loved how Paige saw deep into her, but seeing deep into Paige, looking behind and understanding?  Well, there are other things she needed to do.

I don't know how to look at the world without looking behind.  That's a blessing and a curse, because I don't see just this moment and good possibilities, but I see the mechanics, the gears and screws that drive us to a messy and fatal human life.

That means that people love it when I give them a glimpse of something deeper in themselves, but when I ask them to look back at me, well, they gotta go. 

Looking behind, seeing the mess and still caring enough to try to help, well, it's a magical thing, you know. 

But real magic, well it's like real love.  Scary.

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