I have learned to drive with a full bladder. You know, like when you are cruising the Thruway and don't want to fall asleep, so you don't stop at the first rest stop, you just let the pain keep you focused.
To keep small, I have learned to keep the pressure on. If I am always worrying and dreading, I won't lapse into some kind of bliss that I can't leave. I will be fearful and tense, holding the pain inside, so that crazy drive to wear high heels and dance won't scare people more than they need to be by me.
But now, today my father goes to the oncologist for a reccurance of prostate cancer, this time metastasized, and next week my mother goes to the cardiologist for a serious concern found in her echocardiogram, and I find the responsibility to be the keel, all my weight & fear under the water, keeping others focused & upright, well, it just adds in.
I didn't sleep so well last night, and the bad part is that there really isn't anyway to be myself, get beyond the pain so that I can stay breathing. There doesn't seem to be anyone who really can help me with joy & context so I can feel empowered and healthy.
Who heals the healers? Who heals the healers who have to stay with sickness because sickness is how others limit themselves?
People want and need comfort, I know that, so I have learned to cultivate and aggrandize my own discomfort.
It's just that now it feels like it's way too much.